Devin Harris says 60 to 75% of NBA players have guns. That won't stop David Stern from making him disappear.
"I mean, look at the situation," said Harris, who added that he does not own a gun. "A lot of guys have been robbed. A couple of guys, God rest their souls, have passed away. I guess they feel like they need some sort of protection, I don't know. I can't speak for everybody. I'd say between 60 and 75% (of players own guns)."
His teammate Jarvis Hayes agreed with Harris, noting that he too has a gun.
At this point, monitoring from his secret headquarters underneath Madison Square Garden, David Stern ordered his henchmen to have Harris and Hayes "disappeared*." His nervous underlings pointed out to Stern that both players toil for the New Jersey Nets and therefore had effectively been disappeared already.
Let's pray for Harris and Hayes that Stern agreed with them. These words, after all, are not what the NBA needs. The sport has been trying to shed it's gangster image since, well, always it seems. The idea that 3/4 of the players America's kids idolize are toting guns might bring a smile to the NRA but not to Stern or anyone else invested in the NBA's marketing. The NBA Cares after all.
The NRA has long been perceived as a white organization. I smell a great opportunity for an outreach program to African-Americans. Can't you see it? We open with Shaquille O'Neal (always good to ally yourself with law enforcement) surrounded by a circle of kids, cleaning his service pistol and educating the tots about the importance of using nitrosolvents to ensure a clean bore. The NBA: Where responsible gun ownership happens.
*And yes, David Stern can misuse words like disappeared if he wants. He can orchestrate drafts and he can make whole teams disappear; see 2002 and 2006. He can do whatever he wants.