In a conversation with CKAC Sports in Montreal on Tuesday morning, Burns said an old friend in the highway patrol was among those who went to Woods' home on the night of the crash, on Nov. 27.
Here's Burns' all too believable story - which makes it clear why Woods hasn't been seen since that date.
"After dinner, Tiger Woods watched football in the living room while sending text messages to Rachel, the famous blond," he told the radio station.
"Whenever he received a message from her, he erased it. Meanwhile, one of his friends, based in Orlando, invited him to go play poker. At approximately 7:30 p.m., he went to change, then left. He forgot his phone on the coffee table in the lounge. Rachel, meanwhile, continued to write her text messages.
"His wife (Elin Nordegren) saw the message. When he returned, around 11:30 p.m. or midnight, she waited at the door. She asked what it was, these messages, and who was this woman.
According to Burns, Woods went up to the second floor of the home, wearing a t-shirt and shorts.
"He kept saying there was nothing there. He went to watch television ... then suddenly, bang! A nine-iron in the face!"
According to Burns, the hit caused a large cut in Woods' cheek and knocked out two of his teeth.
"He left the house running without shoes. Elin followed him with the club. He left in his Escalade. She followed him and broke two or three windows. That's why he hit the tree," he said.
"They took him to hospital in Orlando. Elin was in the ambulance with him and called his agent. He suggested that they meet at the hospital. Once there, the doctors said he needed plastic surgery to repair the broken teeth, but only one institution could do it, in Phoenix (Arizona). The agent warmed up the jet to he could leave for Phoenix where they could fix his face. This explains (Woods') absence when the police wanted to meet him the following days," Pat Burns told the station.
That's the best version I've heard. Bravo to you, Pat.