What follows is a report made with some creative license but which strikes at the core of the sports mascot community.

It has been reported that Pat Patriot was nabbed in a Rhode Island prostitution sting. Robert Sormanti of Warwick, RI, a frequent wearer of the costume, was arrested along with 13 others as police nabbed Johns propositioning prostitutes.

It appears Sormati thought he could evade detection by wearing his Pat Patriot head. The working girls of Rhode Island were put off by the giant head and its wicked grin, and Sormanti, in desperation, became more brazen in his propositioning, which ultimately led to his undoing.

While we may never know what motivated Sormanti to seek Rhode Island hookers when everyone knows New York prostitutes do not discriminate against mascots or hydrocephaloids of any stripe, we now  know what lies behind Pat Patriot's permanent smile.

The reaction has been mixed in the mascot community.  Wally the Green Monster has said he is appalled by Pat's behavior and that no, he has no recollection of that night at the Mohegan Sun in December, 2004. Crazy Crab, of San Francisco Giants fame, took his typically contrarian point of view: "It is clear that none of this would have happened if there wasn't such brazen prejudice against mascots within the prostitute community. Why just last week in the Tenderloin in San Francisco...let's just say things got ugly. As difficult as this may be for some--I am looking at you Phanatic--I am calling for a mascot-wide boycott of prostitution." 

The San Diego Chicken, mascot emeritus of the United States, was unavailable for comment. His handlers reported he was on a business trip in Tijuana.