"With Josh Hamilton no longer on the team, expect run production to plummet and clubhouse beer pong to skyrocket."
"We are confident this will be yet another magical Oakland A's season, ending triumphantly in a first round playoff exit yet again."
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
"OK so you're saying that every team who didn't give out Pujols and Hamilton-sized contracts knew the world wasn't going to end in 2012? This just seems unfair."
"After a bit more research we have come to the disheartening conclusion that moving in our fences will also help teams hit home runs against us."
"While we simply moved from one division to another, many players mistook this as a discontinuation of our franchise. Needless to say, we are now in the market for baseball players. Anybody at all."
On to the National League! Where, if history tells us anything, the eventual 2013 World Series Champion is lurking in the shadows.