In the wake of his 162-game suspension, a defiant Alex Rodriguez has vowed to sue the descendants of Abner Doubleday, the man who invented baseball.
"The deck has been stacked against me from day one," said A-Rod during a statement issued through one of his eleven attorneys. "Literally, from day one of baseball, I had been set up to fail and that all begins with Abner Doubleday."
Rodriguez will only have his day in court versus the Doubledays after wrapping up his lawsuits against Major League Baseball, the Major League Baseball Player's Association, the New York Yankees, the Supreme Court itself, his own mother, every pitcher who's ever thrown him a high fastball, and Derek Jeter. Only at this point will Rodriguez be able to face the problem head on and take the Doubledays to task for their complicity in his demise.
"Though the circumstances may seem very, very dire, it is in our client's best interest to continue fighting, to continue to rack up legal fees of historic proportions," said attorney 8 of 11, who's 'fighting the good fight' for a paltry $1850/hour.