Academy Award Nominees are a Bunch of Sports

1/16/14 in NFL   |   Wards_Page   |   248 respect

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The nominees for the 86th annual Academy Awards were announced this morning while most of you were thrashing around in bed having nightmares about your football team hiring Jim Schwartz as their head coach. Just to catch you up, here’s a quick rundown of three of the main category contenders and how they just might correspond to the world of sports.
 
Best Picture
Gravity. The only law former Lions wide receiver Titus Young didn’t break when he was arrested three times in one week.
American Hustle. What every NFL football fan who ever paid for a seat license fell victim to.
Nebraska. A college that hasn’t won anything since moving to the Big 10
12 Years a Slave. What I’ll be saying after another 10 years of writing for this site. (I kid.)
Her. What that Jets fan who punched the woman in the Patriots jersey said when the cops asked him who started it.
Philomena. The name of the cuddly new Chicago Cubs mascot.
Dallas Buyers Club. Not to be confused with Dallas Criers Club, starring Dez Bryant.
Captain Phillips. What Wade Phillips demands friends call him when he’s on his boat.
The Wolf of Wall Street. Fred Wilpon’s nickname for his old pal Bernie Madoff.
 
Best Actor
Bruce Dern. Played a terrific scumbag in the little-seen James Woods/Lou Gossett Jr. boxing flick, Diggstown. Check it out.
Leonardo DiCaprio. In Guinness Book of World Records for nailing the most Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models (credit to Fey and Poehler, whose joke I stole).
Christian Bale. Is a better quarterback than Christian Ponder.
Chiwetel Ejiofor. Tied with Patriots tight end Michael Hoomanawanui for toughest name to pronounce.
Matthew McConaughey. Deserves an Oscar just for surviving working with Terry Bradshaw in Failure to Launch.
 
Best Actress
Sandra Bullock. Has made countless chick flicks for those of you who have no interest in watching the AFC and NFC Championship games this Sunday. And, yes, I’ve seen a lot of them.
Amy Adams. Did not inherit the Tennessee Titans from Bud Adams.
Cate Blanchett. Unsuccessfully auditioned for the role of George Steinbrenner in The Bronx is Burning.
Dame Judi Dench. Fought Mike Tyson to a draw in 1985.
Meryl Streep. Has invited me over to her annual Super Bowl party. Sweet.

Good luck to all the nominees and good luck to any team that hires Jim Schwartz. 
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