These poor chaps have no clue what's coming
"Military action, political sabotage, and instigating a social uprising are all on the table," said special advisor to the U.S. Men's National Team, General Petraeus. "Because at the end of the day, we sure as hell don't want to end up in a soccer match with any one of these countries."
For every soccer tournament, a clear-cut "Group of Death" emerges as teams are drawn from the pool of qualifiers. In the World Cup of 2010, it was Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast, and the unfortunate North Korea. In the Quidditch World Cup of 2000 it was Bulgaria, Ireland, Hungary, and once again, North Korea.
There's no doubt that the USA has taken on some serious foes in its brief but storied history: The Redcoats, Nazi Germany, The Soviets, and Childhood Obesity, but Brazil 2014 remains a test unlike any other the nation has seen. While the USMNT insists they would rather just play soccer, win or lose, this is simply a risk that the country can not afford to take.
"Right now, our position in the global standings are tenuous at best, and to go into Brazil without a 'plan B' would be suicide," stated President Obama during his weekly podcast, Talking Sports with Barry O. "We must be cautious and calculated in the coming months, and as much as we don't like it, we may have to look to China for help."
Being that the USA can still advance with a 2nd place finish, some have suggested that an alliance with Germany and all-out military invasion of Portugal and Ghana may be the nation's most prudent move.