Anchor Goes Into Uncomfortable Amount of Detail Describing Rob Gronkowski's Physique

11/29/13 in NFL   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

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The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.

When asked what made Rob Gronkowski such a special football player, one ESPN anchor paused, took a deep breath, and entered into deep, solemn thought. Finally, after an uncomfortable moment that seemed to stretch on forever, he spoke.

"His body," he said with pure conviction. "He has a special body."

The anchor went on to describe the specific aspects of Gronkowski's physique that set him apart from the rest, including, but not limited to: his "take charge hips," "deltoids for days," and "calves that won't take no for an answer." 

Further, the anchor, who at this point was visibly flustered by the mere thought of the Patriot tight end's grip strength, posited that to study Rob Gronkowski's body is the closest one can come to knowing God and that the "cultivation of all the energy contained in his abdominals would be enough to power Nantucket." 

The anchor was forcibly removed from the studio and stripped of his press credentials, but not before he was able to deliver a passionate soliloquy entitled "pectorals hard as granite, lips soft as rose petals."

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