The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
Wasting no time, the Boston Red Sox fired manager Bobby Valentine yesterday on the first day of the off-season. In a similarly aggressive move, Bobby Valentine returned to the Red Sox today, donning a fake mustache in hopes of being re-hired.
After suffering the worst Red Sox season in modern history, finishing with just 69 (lol) wins and 26 games behind the first-place Yankees, Valentine, a self-declared "tough out," responded by doing what he knows best-- putting on a funny costume and returning to the scene of the crime.
Admittedly duped for the fourteenth time since taking the job as Red Sox GM, Ben Cherington recounts how Valentine convinced him he was, once again, the man for the job. "He was confident, opinionated, principled, and determined to lead our ballclub out of the dark, dark, dark place we had fallen to with coach Valentine at the helm. It wasn't 'til much later that I found out it was just Bobby in a mustache."
Larry Luchino, Red Sox CEO and President of misguided operations was actually the first member of the front office to throw up a red flag following the interview with this mysterious, unsolicited candidate. "We were all floored by his presentation. We were thinking this is the guy, this is the guy who's gonna turn things around for us! But then I looked closer at his proposal for 2013 and I realized, this a-hole just told us we need to cut our entire roster and is now spray painting profanities on the Green Monster!"
And so for the Boston Red Sox, a team that has managed to make '04 and '07 a distant memory with a masterful September collapse and a shameful season-long encore, the search for their new manager and an end to the front-office ineptitude continues, beginning with the guy in the funny hat and sunglasses, the guy with the platform shoes, the guy in black-face and Bobby Valentine but with a really thick Italian accent.
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