Brian Cashman Apologizes for Telling F'n A-Rod to "Shut the F Up"
In an uncharacteristic act of contrition, New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman publicly apologized on Wednesday for telling embattled and estranged third baseman Alex Rodriguez to “Shut the F up” when it comes to announcing his injury rehab updates over Twitter. In a brief statement Cashman said, “I regret the choice of words I used yesterday… I didn’t handle this one well. I popped. Reality TV at its best.”
Eyes darting around the room, Cashman continued, “But can you really blame me? The guy is a complete effin’ self-absorbed tool! Every time I see his smug, stupid face I just want to punch it right the F in. Am I alone here? C’mon, you guys have met him. He’s a d-bag! I mean, how about those pictures of him making out with his reflection in a mirror? Who does that s**t? And don’t even get me started with the fact that we are stuck with this a**clown through 2017. 2017!!! Just the thought makes me want to go take a bath with my toaster. It’s bad enough that half the effin’ team is hooked up to life-support machines, but then to have the one guy who’s on the verge of coming back be A-Rod? A-Rod? I’m sorry, but it’s more than I can take.” Tears welling up in his eyes, Cashman went on, “Why doesn’t that clueless old buzzard Bud Selig ban this guy for life already and put everyone, me especially, out of their misery? But noooo, Bud’s too busy making $22 million a year for not soiling himself. He and Rodriguez are really two peas in a pod, both making over $20 million a year, both worthless, and neither will just go away. If there were a nuclear holocaust tomorrow, all that would be left would be the cockroaches, Bud, and Alex. It’s just depressing.”
After composing himself, Cashman announced that Mark Teixeira would be undergoing season-ending wrist surgery and that the team had cleared Joba Chamberlain to resume all trampoline-related activities. He then tore off his shirt, threw it to the floor, and stormed out of the room muttering something about Phil Hughes.