Joe Flacco spent two years as the starting quarterback of a school that battled (and frequently lost to) the likes of Albany, New Hampshire, Towson, and any other Powerhouse U. that could be thrown into the mix. His career long run was 25 yards.
Against the Cincinnati Bengals: 38.
Oy vey, this team sucks. They suck because (deep, deep breath): (1) every offensive possession, it’s run-run-pass-punt; (2) every defensive possession, it’s run-pass-run-touchdown; (3) their coaching staff is culpable for the complete lack of imagination on offense; (4) their coaching staff is culpable for the complete lack of preparedness on defense; (5) their owner is an idiot for not realizing these glaring truths and addressing them accordingly; (6) Carson Palmer is as confident as an oily-faced 16 year-old taking a pretty girl to a dance; (7) their front office chose to release Rudi Johnson; (8) release Willie Anderson; (9) release and re-sign Chris Henry; and (10) their defense allowed Joe Freaking Flacco to scramble for a 38 yard touchdown.
This goes without mentioning the chemistry of this team, which is some allegorical combination of oil, water, and sand. They have brought upon themselves the label of “laughing stock”. And yet somehow, someway, the Marvin Lewis-led Bengals seemingly always manage to play .500 ball. That makes this even worse.
That makes this even worse because, believe me, the Cincinnati Bengals are absolutely terrible, and Marvin Lewis' 42-39 tenure with this team hardly screams "terrible". They are underachievers of an epic scale. And if their fanbase wishes to walk off the I-71/I-75 bridge into the deep end, there’s no one—from Chad Javon Ocho Cinco to Shayne Graham—who could possibly blame them. But there’s no reason to think it’ll come to that, because they are a mile above rock bottom.
See, it’s an utter shame, but the Cincinnati Bengals have built a culture of losing. From 1990-2002, they managed to reach the 7 win plateau—as in 7-9—twice. They’ve eclipsed .500 once in the past 17 years; 17 years that have seen this team go 97-175. That’s an average of less than six wins per year. There is no word known to man that could describe such complete misery. Relative to that dreck, a season of 8-8 must seem like a playoff birth. But it doesn’t, because the Bengals aren’t exactly strapped for talent. They have a Pro Bowl quarterback and two Pro Bowl wide receivers. Sure, they don’t have a defense—neither did the Indianapolis Colts for the first part of this decade, and that didn’t stop them from winning 10 or more games on a yearly basis. I’m unwilling to think that, at least on paper, Cincinnati is this bad.
So, for a moment, take a step back and examine this team. They have an average coaching staff at best. They have a roster that should be competitive on a yearly basis. The problem is that roster is riddled with chaos. They can’t focus. They can’t function as a unit. They don’t resemble anything that qualifies as a team. Where do the fingers point? They point straight up.
Straight up at owner Mike Brown.
Mike Brown hired these coaches and he refuses to admit defeat, just like he refused to admit defeat for so long in the ‘90s. He won’t hire scouts to better prepare his team. Instead, he prefers to throw as many law-breaking knuckleheads on the field as possible, just to see if the games can turn into episodes of Springer. If he insists on having off-field issues plague his franchise, he should hire Judge Judy and Dr. Phil to cut Lewis some slack. I will give Marvin Lewis this—the head coach is certainly responsible for maintaining discipline on his team, but when it gets to the point of having the front office go over the coach’s head to re-sign an idiot wide receiver that the head coach outwardly did not want on his offense, there’s nothing much that can be done. Marvin Lewis has never had control over his team. But it hasn’t always been his fault.
Brown allows his experiments to play out over the course of years. He provides a spin on a timeless adage: if it’s broke, he won’t fix it, at least for five years. He has single-handedly run a franchise into the earth’s molten core without remorse or regret. He is so far out of touch with the individuals that support his franchise, his relationship with them is that of one between an ancient king and peasants. He is, in short, an idiot. And I fear The Jungle won’t improve much until he relinquishes control, either because of revolt or health.
As I said, I don’t see a revolt coming any time soon. Who Dey Nation has grown accustomed to dreadful football. Mediocrity is a step up for them.
And it’s a damn shame.
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