The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
Mere hours after the signing of Nick Swisher to a 4-year, 54 million dollar deal, the city of Cleveland is reporting a significant increase in its overall quality of life.
Swisher, a player famously known throughout baseball as a 'clubhouse guy,' was brought into the Indians' organization as much for his bro-tastic demeanor as his on-field prowess. Not expecting the move to have such a widespread effect on the city as a whole, Cleveland officials are ecstatic to see the immediate effects of the signing.
"It's incredible," professed Frank G. Jackson, the mayor of Cleveland and the areas second most popular dog-walker, "in just the past 24 hours, we've seen vast improvements in the citys trash pickup, a ton overdue library books have been spontaneously returned, and the notorious raccoon gangs of North Collinwood have agreed to sit down to peace talks. This Nick Swisher sure is a great clubhouse guy!" he added.
While Swishers impact on the win column remains to be seen, his new teammates have already gotten a taste of that fabled clubhouse presence of his. "I don't know how Nick already had a set of spare keys to my house, but I'm totally cool with it," admitted Asdrubal Cabrera, who was greeted in the middle of the night by Swisher and a case of Miller 64s. "You can tell he's a real clubhouse guy," he added.
"I don't know what Asdrubal's talking about," retorted Indians' closer Chris Perez. "he and Nick couldn'tve been kickin' it the other night because Swish and I have been high fiving ever since he got here."
"There's no way this is going to get old!" added Perez, engaged in the early stages of a 90-minute secret handshake with Nick Swisher. Now that's 54 million dollars well spent.