Dwight Howard claims blackmail, demands trade, is generally confused

Howard claims American public blackmailed him into playing basketball

7/3/12 in NBA   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

Blog Photo - Dwight Howard claims blackmail, demands trade, is generally confused

The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.

The never-ending saga of Dwight Howard's malcontent has reached a new low as Howard, who accused the Orlando Magic of blackmailing him into staying with the team, has gone a step further and indicted the American people for forcing him into basketball in the first place.

This dramatic allegation came during Howard's "morning-moan session," the daily press conference in which the embattled all-star center airs out his grievances, uncovers his emotions and mulls over difficult decisions in front of confused, sleepy members of the media.

Howard was asked a hypothetical--  whether or not he would be truly happy if his latest demand, to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets, was met-- and began to speak platitudes but quickly stopped, went quiet, and truly thought about the question. It was then that he made this admission:

"Happiness, for me, is learning to play the violin, climbing a tree, and making chicken soup from scratch. Happiness is trying my hand at stand-up comedy, riding a tandem bike with my moms, and reading books in a public park. I never wanted to play basketball. I wanted to sing, dance, clap my hands and say yeah. America made me an NBA center. America did this to me."

While the candid nature of Howard's statement lends itself to shock and surprise, the evidence of his distaste for basketball has always been there. Howard, born five feet and eleven inches tall, was constantly under pressure to play the tall-man's sport as a kid. Preferring to sit in his room and read Superman comics, Howard was prodded instead to develop post moves and work on his left hand. A kind, sharing person by nature, Howard was encouraged to dominate the paint and dunk on weaker, whiter children. It is no coincidence that Howard fell out of love with the Orlando Magic the same year Universal Studios discontinued the Jimmy Neutron 3-D Experience. The seven-footer is a child at heart.

Howard went on to count the ways he feels that he is being forced to stay in the NBA: the NBA jersey is the only work uniform that comes big enough to fit his massive frame, people only cheer for him when he's holding a basketball, the local acapella group won't have him and the Mexican restaurant down the street claims they're not hiring. 

It seems, then, for Howard, that true happiness will never come on a basketball court, be it in Brooklyn, Orlando or LA, but somewhere far away from it all, somewhere big enough for a man the size of a house with a smile twice as wide, somewhere where Dwight can just be himself. 

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