There are only a select few sporting events that can be deemed “huge” worldwide.

Much to the chagrin of football—err, soccer—haters spanning the globe (and by “spanning the globe,” I mean “spanning the United States”), the UEFA European [Soccer] Championship belongs in this elite list. 50 international sides from England to Russia and everywhere in-between have spent the better part of two years vying for 14 available spots in Europe’s premier international competition. This thing is like a miniature World Cup. But since the World Cup practically revolves around Europe anyway, this tournament can be thought of in the same light (no disrespect to the Argentines, Brazilians, and friends). Now that the qualifying dust has settled, four groups of four teams each will dive into competition until the end of June to determine whose cuisine reigns supr—

Sorry. Iron Chef America is on the television. That Mario Batali can whip up one hell of a lasagna. Maybe I’ll just go with the Italians.

Here you have it: the Euro 2008 preview show, “by the layman and for the layman.”

 

*FIFA World Rankings in parentheses after country name.
*The top two teams from each group advance to the final eight.
*Teams in bold denote my pick to win their group; teams underlined are my pick to finish second.
*Austria and The Kingdom of His Majesty Roger Federer are automatic qualifiers as hosts.
*I really don’t like Cristiano Ronaldo.


GROUP A: Czech Republic (6), Portugal (11), Turkey (20), Switzerland (44)
GROUP B: Austria (92), Croatia (15), Germany (5), Poland (28)
GROUP C: France (7), Italy (3), Netherlands (10), Romania (12)
GROUP D: Greece (8), Russia (24), Spain (4), Sweden (30)


Quick Hits

GROUP A

I’ll take Switzerland in this group for the following reason: their reputation of neutrality preceded them in the ’06 World Cup, as they played the bland style of soccer that makes guys like Tom Weir (who once wrote in USA Today: “hating soccer is more American than apple pie”) sound smart. Their defense was a freaking juggernaut, never conceding a goal in regular time before bowing out to the Ukraine on penalty kicks in the round of 16. This kind of “results oriented” soccer (pretty much the nice way of saying “boring, but efficient soccer”—think the Pistons) favors close wins at best and usually draws at worst. With that in mind, I’ll take one win and two draws for the Swiss. The Portuguese—otherwise known to the casual public as “God’s Team,” featuring insufferable d-bag Cristiano Ronaldo—should likely finish second, as their scoring margin is too potent for them to be denied were they to finish in a tie. Although the Czechs have a high world ranking, their injury woes may spell doomsday.


GROUP B

The Germans and Poles… Never forget. Never, ever forget. Unfortunately for Poland, Michael Ballack and Joachim Low will not be beheaded at the hands of anyone in this group, because Germany is too damn good. Take this result with a grain of salt because of the quality of opponent, but Germany laid a 13-0 win on helpless San Marino in the qualifying stages. Kind of an ass-hole run-up move by Deutschland, but if nothing else, Bill Belichick has his two winners in this group. I say two because his ancestors, the Croats, ought to place second with ease. If I didn’t already have a horse in this race (the Dutch—more later), it’d be impossible to resist their tablecloth-like jerseys. I’m not being sarcastic—those things are sweet. In addition to the jerseys being a winning factor, the Poles have been playing like a brown cylindrical mass that looks eerily similar to a Polish sausage. A recent loss to the U.S. at home and draws with Macedonia and Denmark don’t reflect well on Poland’s current form. I predict a draw with group doormat Austria that knocks the Poles from the competition.


GROUP C

Every major soccer competition that features group play has a “group of death.” This is that group. These four teams could all be the competition’s semifinalists and it would be a quality round of semifinals. That’s how brutal this group is. Just imagine if Ivanovic, Sharapova, Hantuchova, and Harkleroad were competing against each other for the title of “Tennis Hottie 2008.” Not a whole between them, there. Italy and France were paired with each other in qualifying, as were the Netherlands and Romania. Italy is better than France, right? France beat Italy in qualifying 3-1 and then drew 0-0. The Netherlands are better than Romania, right? Romania won 1-0 in one qualifying match and drew 0-0 in the other. Italy, as defending World Cup champ and odds-on favorite to take the group, is the safe pick here. However, I wear my ancestral blinders and pick the Netherlands to beat out the competition for second place. They’re ravaged by injuries, so it probably won’t happen. But with their depth, anything can happen.

(P.S. Romania may exude superiority complex in this group. If that happens, look for brawlage if and when legions of dazzling women storm the field to kiss the Italians’ collective asses.)


GROUP D

First off, the concentration of hotties in the stands for the Group D matches will be higher than any other group by two-fold. Secondly, the Greeks are the defending Euro champions from 2004. “Wait,” you ask, “the Greeks? They’re that good?” Yes, they’re that good. They can dance around the pitch like no other and are superb at picking the right time to flaunt their abilities. In qualifying, they tore up. It looks like they’re here to stay. And despite Spain’s best efforts in years past to squander their ridiculously high talent level, it’s damn near impossible to conceive how they could screw this up and not make the final eight. But anything is possible. Except the Group D girls being outdone. George Bush can say “don’t mess with Texas,” but I say “don’t mess with Sweden.”

Enjoy the competition, folks.