It’s that time of year where there are literally thousands of mock drafts available, each “expert” predicting where each prized college talent will land. So to chime in on all of the fun and excitement of creating a mock draft, I bring you the Second Annual FanIQ “Mock” Draft. Enjoy!
1) St. Louis: HB LeGarrette Blount, Oregon – We don’t have to wait long for the first surprise fo the draft. Before selecting Blount, the Rams traded HB Steven Jackson to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Trading their franchise running back and drafting a running back that has assaultive tendencies
in the first round worked out great for the franchise before, so they decided to try it again! They considered drafting Florida DE Carlos Dunlap, but Leonard Little made it very clear that there was only room for one drunk driving pass rusher
on the Rams roster.
2) Detroit: DT Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska - With the Rams going with Blount, not even the Lions could screw this pick up (especially since they no longer employ Matt Millen)
3) Tampa Bay: S Eric Berry, Tennessee – The Buccaneers draft Berry on the condition that Swiperboy
is added to the coaching staff Difficulties ensue when Kellen Winslow declares that he still doesn’t give a “freakin’ you know what about a Vol
” and accused Berry of "gunnin' for his legs".
5) Kansas City: CB Joe Haden, Florida: Gators go back to back. The Chiefs are saddened to discover that Haden cannot play both corner positions at once.
6) Seattle: S Taylor Mays, USC: The former Trojan is reunited with his former coach. Much like Scott Pioli has turned Kansas City into the Chieftriots, Pete Carroll is transforming Seattle into the Trojanhawks. Not only did he draft his former star safety, but he agreed to send his second round pick to the Arizona Cardinals for Matt Leinart, signing former USC wide receiver Mike Williams, and attempting to trade for Troy Polamalu. The Steelers sent Carroll a lock of Polamalu’s hair for his trouble.
7) Cleveland: QB Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame: Notre Dame quarterbacks have just been the bees knees for the Cleveland B’s!
8) Oakland: Usain Bolt - Weird Al Davis loves speed and no one on the planet is faster than Bolt. Davis has not said what position Bolt will play yet, but he will try him at quarterback first. They plan to use their second round pick on the 50-year old Darrell Green
9) Buffalo: QB Sam Bradford, Oklahoma - While other teams doubted the health of Bradford’s shoulder, the Bills had no such doubts. Not only do they expect Bradford to be their franchise quarterback, but they also want him to moonlight at left tackle, throwing one-handed blocks for himself before throwing the ball.
10) Denver: WR Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State – The Broncos worked out a contract with Bryant prior to the draft. One of the clauses states that he will not disrespect the ball boy or act like a two year old at practice.
11) Jacksonville: DE Jason Pierre-Paul – They thought about upgrading at quarterback, but decided against it when they realized that their quarterback is a Pro Bowler. Instead, they opt for another defensive end from the state of Florida.
12) Miami: HB Jonathan Dwyer, Georgia Tech – This pick comes as insurance, because you just never know when Ricky Williams will begin to herbally medicate himself again.
13) San Francisco: DT Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma – Upon drafting the Sooner defensive tackle, head coach Mike Singletary coins a new phrase “I want the real McCoys!”
14) Seattle: OT Charles Brown, USC – The Trojanhawks movement continues.
15) New York Giants: HB C.J. Spiller, Clemson – The departure of Derrick Ward broke up “Earth, Wind, and Fire”. The addition of Spiller forms the new trio: The Force HB’s (parody of the Force MD’s) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Force_MD%27s
16) San Francisco: OT Bryan Bulaga – The 49ers add an offensive lineman to help prevent Alex Smith from sucking. The 49ers also announced that they have hired General Larry Platt (author of “Pants On The Ground”) as a special assistant to head coach Mike Singletary.
17) Tennessee: DT Terrence Cody, Alabama – Joseph Addai, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Steve Slaton will all have to climb Mount Cody if they expect to run on the Titans (pun intended)
18) Pittsburgh: MLB Ronaldo McClain – The Steelers unleash hell in April by drafting the All-American.
19) Atlanta: CB Darrell Green – The Raiders are devastated over this pick! With Joe Haden off the board, the Falcons decided that the 50-year old Green is the second best cornerback in the draft. Brett Favre approves of this pick.
20) Houston: HB Jahvid Best, Cal – The Texans take Best to challenge Steve “Slickhands” Slaton. The competition turns into a franchise campaign, which produces the slogans “Jahvid’s The Best” and “A Clean Slate with Slaton”
21) Cincinnati: DE Carlos Dunlap: Chad Eightyfive convinced the Bengals brass to sign T.O. to a one year deal, so the Bengals could use this pick to draft the player with the most potential (to get arrested)
22) New England: HB/WR Dexter McCluster, Ole Miss – McCluster will be a good player to have around if when the other running backs get injured. Plus he can moonlight as a receiver if Wes Welker isn’t ready for the beginning of the season. Because when teams double cover Moss, do you really want to count on Sam Aiken & Isaiah Stanback to win games for you?
23) Green Bay: OT Bruce Campbell, Maryland: With starting cornerbacks Charles Woodson and Al Harris not getting any younger, the Packers seriously considered drafting a cornerback. When Aaron Rodgers heard about this, he told the Packers brass that if they didn’t select an offensive lineman, he would treat them worse than Antwan Odom treated him.
24) Philadelphia: QB Tony Pike, Cincinnati: Even with three quarterbacks already in the fold, the Eagles decide to select the Bearcats signal-caller. Andy Reid’s plan is to be the first coach to implement the “Thundercat” offense, which will have all four quarterbacks on the field at once.
25) Baltimore: WR Mardy Gilyard, Cincinnati: Teammates go back to back for the second time in the draft. This is a good pick for the Ravens, because it’s not like Flacco can throw to Ray Rice EVERY time.
26) Arizona: QB Colt McCoy, Texas: With the departure of Matt Leinart via trade, the Cardinals were looking for a signal caller and they found one in McCoy. McCoy was somewhat disappointed that he wasn’t drafted by Indianapolis, but he didn’t let it get him that upset. He submitted the paperwork to legally change his name to Card McCoy.
27) Dallas: OT Trent Williams, Texas: With Flozell Adams being 67 years old and always hitting people late, tripping folks, and performing belly to belly suplexes on opponents
, this pick just makes sense.
28) San Diego: WR Golden Tate, Notre Dame: The Chargers had targeted C.J. Spiller and made an attempt to trade up for him. When that failed, they decided to select a wide receiver. When Norv Turner was asked how he was going to address the running back position, he said “We’re not. We’re just going to line up with five wides every down.”
30) Minnesota: DT Dan Williams, Tennessee – Who else would they draft other than a defensive tackle with the surname of Williams?
31) Indianapolis: QB Dan Lefevour, Central Michigan – Colts fans were outraged with this pick until Bill Polian uttered two horrifically devastating words: CURTIS PAINTER
32) New Orleans: LB Brandon Spikes, Florida – The Super Bowl Champions select the former Florida Gator with the last pick of the first round. Spikes has vowed to teach the other Saints linebackers the “Fingerpoke of Doom
”. Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash