Kobe Bryant-- seemingly unshakeable and unstoppable for the entirety of his career, is facing the biggest obstacle of his life in rehabbing a torn achilles. In typical Mamba fashion, however, we have learned that Kobe, fearless as ever, is planning to undertake the following steps to get back to where he needs to be.
Kobe's 5-point plan to return to dominant form
Prescribed only to Kobe
1. Complete a series of ultra-modern super-secret German rehab programs such as deep sea ballet, low-gravity bull fighting, and making unwanted sexual advances on Nordic women over 6 feet tall.
2. Maintain a strict diet of raw predatory birds.
3. Sit by a window for 5 hours a day, staring intensely into the distance, considering his legacy.
4. Launch his own brand of sports beverage called Stem Cell Water (which only he is allowed to drink.)
5. Embark on a vision quest with his holiness, the Dalai Llama, culminating on the top of a mountain where Kobe speaks to God and God tells him he "Shaq's just more likable." Use as motivtation.
Get well soon, Kobe!