Inspired by Jason Collins, scores of players of the four major sports are expected to come out of the closet at some point this week, thus confirming the nation's sneaking suspicion that every single pro-athlete is gay.
Said one researcher who studies Gay and its affect on large mammals, "Jason Collins is just the tip of the iceberg-- a really big, gay iceberg."
Using an algorithm that takes into account all the interactions between players-- every high five, butt slap, towel crack, and workout tip--- every pre-game "just for fun" haircut and post-walk-off pie to the face -- that moment at the end of an impassioned hockey fist fight when the players just need to hug -- all that time spent in the low post and the full-court-press -- the innocent small talk at first base and the sexually charged collisions at home plate -- the comradery through the good times and bad, and that thing baseball players do when they spit sunflower seeds into each others mouths-- researchers claim there is no doubt that every single pro-athlete is gay. Now, thanks to Jason Collins' bravery, they too can come out.
Alex Rodriguez? Gay. Ricky Rubio? Euro-gay. The San Francisco 49ers? Gay. The entire NHL? Elitist and gay. Tim Tebow? Obviously, gay. Even Mike Wallace? Possibly the gayest.
When Jason Collins' story broke yesterday his declaration was met almost exclusively with acceptance, admiration and the embrace of nearly the entire sports world. When the entire sports world inevitably comes out we must also be ready. for despite the initial shock of it all, it's really the only thing that makes sense.