The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
When the story of Manti Te'o and his fake girlfriend surfaced on January 16th the public could not get enough. Nearly 2 weeks later, after one odd plot twist after another, it seems that everybody has lost interest-- all except one guy, the guy who writes the Bottomline for ESPN.
"It's been an incredible ride," said the guy, who was still busy typing up Te'o storylines, which do not repeat automatically but instead require the guy to type continuously on 24 hour cycles. "It's the most unusual sports story I've ever documented. The deceit, the backstabbing, the exotic Hawaiian names, the scrolling, linear nature of the entire thing. I couldn't stop typing even if I tried!"
But for all others, the sensational story of the Notre Dame star linebacker's make-believe girlfriend has gone from wildly intriguing to mind-numbingly convoluted. "OK, so there was a fake girlfriend, and then it turned out to be his friend? Or his cousin? And then his cousin turned out to be a cross-dresser or something? I'm lost, and don't really care anymore," admitted everybody else in North America.
Regardless, the guy who writes the Bottomline vows to not stop until he gets to the end. "What's going to happen?! Will Ronaiah Tuiasosopo ever tell the entire truth? Was the chick from the photos in on it the whole time? Will Manti Te'o ever find true love?"
I think we'll just have to let the Bottomline guy tucker himself out before we can put this story to bed.