The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
Jim Harbaugh has the reputation of a coach with a tough exterior, a clenched jaw, and a prickly demeanor. While it's a style that works his football team, as we saw the Niners have the most dramatic turnaround as any team in the NFL under Harbaugh's no-excuses methodology, it remains a problem in his social life.
"That whole handshake thing with Shwartzy just got plain outta hand," said Harbaugh, pretending he and Lions' head coach Jim Schwartz have nicknames for each other. "I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers, I simply despise any human being who, in any particular moment, is not actively involved in winning a football game for me."
The incident, which occured early last season, ocurred after the Niners defeated the Lions in a hard-fought battle inDetroit. Harbaugh, energized by the many acts of violence committed by his football team, treated the traditional post-game handshake with the opposing head coach in a manner that can only be described as flippant, full of contempt, and riddled with sacrilege. With the Lions visiting SanFrancisco this week for Sunday Night Football, Harbaugh looks to put the entire thing behind him.
"I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say Schwartzy's gonna feel the love this Sunday night," said Harbaugh, treating the media to the longest sentence he's ever spoken. "Regardless of the outcome of this game, I plan on taking Jim by the hand, looking him in the eye, paying him the respect he doesn't truly deserve and making him feel like everything's gonna be alright."
"I've been lotioning," he added.
Despite Harbaugh's softened attitude towards Schwartz, one can still tune in to Sunday Night Football and expect to see many gleeful acts of violence committed, somewhat legally, on that football field. Should be a good one.
Follow me on Twitter, where I will be live-tweeting my own mother's reaction to every injury that occurs on Sunday night.