The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
Keeping us on pins and needles for days, master of suspense Jim Harbaugh took to the podium on Wednesday to announce his choice for starting quarterback. While many of us did expect him to go with Colin Kaerpernick, the younger, more explosive option, what we did not expect was for the fiery but measured head coach to launch into a 45-minute tirade on all the reasons he hates Alex Smith.
"There is but a small but significant handful of men on Gods Green Earth for whom I can, without apprehension, profess my hatred," muttered Harbaugh, staring fiercely into the camera. "And then there is Alex Smith, a man I find so loathsome, so pitiful, it is hard for me to tap into to the darkest regions of my heart, where Alex Smith resides, in order to express to you all the reasons why I hate him so, this Alex Smith."
"Where do I begin?" he began, pausing for the most intense 90 seconds I have ever experienced in my life. "Here in San Francisco, we're all about diversity, and in turn have no tolerance for white guys on our football team. His seventy percent completion percentage isn't a reflection of his accuracy, but rather what a gutless pansy he is with the football. He manages the game as if it were a dying butterfly, keeps referring to 9 yard passes as 'the deep ball,' cries everytime the opposing team kicks a field goal, and looks like what would happen if Justin Timberlake had sex with a woodchuck."
The coach went on to recount Smith's failings from an early age, beginning with his fear of tall slides as a toddler, that time he studied the wrong chapter for a geometry exam, and his awkward teal-pants phase in middle school. He brought out surprise witnesses, introduced Smith's shortcomings in the form of a pie chart, and then held an open forum inviting everybody to discuss how Alex has affected their lives negatively.
"I created Alex Smith, and therefore I can destroy him," Harbaugh concluded, quite logically, before leaving the podium to break the news to Smith in person.
By the end of the press conference, we were all pretty sure Colin Kaepernick was the right quarterback for this football team.