The Champions League Final pitting Manchester United against Chelsea is tomorrow night in Moscow, even though it's today there now. That sentence just made my brain hurt. And we'll be asleep when it's going on, or barely awake, but stupid time differences aside, this is going to be one epic clash - and a great place for drunken hooliganism.

As you may know, Manchester United has a rather rabid fan base which sometimes gets a bit rowdy. Chelsea as well. So as a result of this, Moscow is prepared to thoroughly destroy anyone who dares try and start anything. Which is exactly what you can do when you don't have to pay attention to things like criminal rights or getting prosecuted for doling out severe beatings.

First, any drunken idiots causing trouble will be stripped naked and given an icy shower. That's not fun, but it's not quite a human rights violation.

Second, if any of the drunken fools resist arrest, they'll not only be given an icy shower naked, they'll be chained to a bed for a night in one of Russia's feared sobering houses. That, um, does sound like a human rights violation.

And last but not least, if things get even worse, they'll stick you in Butyrka Prison, which is famous for it's holding pens designed to hold 22 people, but that actually hold 70 people. That is a human rights violation. Although admittedly I also consider simply visiting Russia to be a human rights violation, but that's just me.

And if things get really out of control, Russia has a special police unit that fought in the war in Chechnya. That could get pretty interesting.

Ah Russia. You make harsh treatment in the states look like a slap on the wrist. Don't ever change.

By the way, we really need more soccer matches in Russia. I have a feeling that might curb soccer riots a bit.