Oh, brave new world: what to prepare for if Miami, Lebron Win
As depicted above, fire will shoot out of every corner of the United States, from the Everglades to Yellowstone. No one in the Heat front office will have consulted anybody before setting up this audacious celebration. There will be casualties. If you've got a problem with this, maybe you shouldn't have made so many late-game turnovers.
The public's relationship with Lebron James will enter phase three. Phase one, we love you, phase two, we hate you, phase three, we respect you. Many will find themselves still stuck in phase two. Forty years from now, this Heat victory will be a cornerstone of their curmudgeonliness (that's a word, seriously, look it up. I, too, was astounded.)
Chris Bosh will enter phase two of his time on Earth. Phase one, I'm a human, phase two, I'm actually an alien acid-spitting raptor sent here to oversee the growth of our prodigal son, Norris Cole.
Dwyane Wade will enter the phase of his career where he doesn't get out of his silk, burgundy bathrobe for less than Game 7 of the NBA Finals, 10 million dollars, or a time-sensitive covert mission.
Mario Chalmers would be cool, Erik Spoelstra will have outcoached somebody.
Kevin Durant will remain quiet, humble, and secretly enraged at being defeated yet again. He will spend the off-season growing an inch taller.
Russell Westbrook will tell us he wouldn't change anything about his game, point to his statline, put on his glasses and return to his civilian life as a nerd.
Serge Ibaka will spend his off-season studying English. As he becomes more proficient, he will want to clear the air, and clarifies that what he meant to say was "Lebron James is an asshole."
James Harden will shave his beard and sell it to Kobe Bryant, who is collecting hair for the throwback afro he plans on wearing during his eventual final season. Harden's beard will grow back by the start of next season. No one will have known.
(Kobe's throw-fro is going to be awesome.)
The zombies will be satisfied. For now.
For real-time up-to-the-minute fast-paced in-your-face no-holds-barred what-you-see-is-what-you-get on-the-scene action-packed sexy-can-I hard-hitting not-well-thought-out ground-coverage, follow me on Twitter!