If the Miami Heat win the 2012 NBA Finals

Oh, brave new world: what to prepare for if Miami, Lebron Win

6/20/12 in NBA   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

The Miami Heat have found themselves one game away from winning the NBA Finals. For those of you who turned on Lebron when he took his talents to South Beach, the future may seem bleak. For those of you who just don't care for Miami and all of it's color schemes, the future is even bleaker. Either way, it's best to be prepared for what would happen if the Heat win the NBA Championship.

       Blog Photo - If the Miami Heat win the 2012 NBA Finals

As depicted above, fire will shoot out of every corner of the United States, from the Everglades to Yellowstone. No one in the Heat front office will have consulted anybody before setting up this audacious celebration. There will be casualties. If you've got a problem with this, maybe you shouldn't have made so many late-game turnovers.

The public's relationship with Lebron James will enter phase three. Phase one, we love you, phase two, we hate you, phase three, we respect you. Many will find themselves still stuck in phase two. Forty years from now, this Heat victory will be a cornerstone of their curmudgeonliness (that's a word, seriously, look it up. I, too, was astounded.)

Chris Bosh will enter phase two of his time on Earth. Phase one, I'm a human, phase two, I'm actually an alien acid-spitting raptor sent here to oversee the growth of our prodigal son, Norris Cole. 

                     Blog Photo - If the Miami Heat win the 2012 NBA Finals


Dwyane Wade will enter the phase of his career where he doesn't get out of his silk, burgundy bathrobe for less than Game 7 of the NBA Finals, 10 million dollars, or a time-sensitive covert mission.

Mario Chalmers would be cool, Erik Spoelstra will have outcoached somebody.

Kevin Durant will remain quiet, humble, and secretly enraged at being defeated yet again. He will spend the off-season growing an inch taller.

Russell Westbrook will tell us he wouldn't change anything about his game, point to his statline, put on his glasses and return to his civilian life as a nerd.

Serge Ibaka will spend his off-season studying English. As he becomes more proficient, he will want to clear the air, and clarifies that what he meant to say was "Lebron James is an asshole." 

James Harden will shave his beard and sell it to Kobe Bryant, who is collecting hair for the throwback afro he plans on wearing during his eventual final season. Harden's beard will grow back by the start of next season. No one will have known.

(Kobe's throw-fro is going to be awesome.)

The zombies will be satisfied. For now.

Blog Photo - If the Miami Heat win the 2012 NBA Finals

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6/21/12   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

tgrmrn wrote:
I have been a fan since cleveland and now he is trying to make it for the first time and i hoping he does he worked hard and was always trying to make things better for whatever team he played for now it's up to the rest of the team to stay on the course and work together and win this thing for those who stay faithful Lebron needs to get the respect if this is it for the finals.  It's all about Team Not I you can't win a championship without your teammates.  

a refreshing take on Lebron.

6/21/12   |   P_Nimm

(Edited by P_Nimm)

funny article, and I agree with the sentiment, though I don't know if you intended any sentiment. The sky will not fall if the Heat pull this one out. It's been a riveting run from both OKC and MIA, and all I hope is that it goes to atleast Game 6. I'm not ready for this to be over.

6/20/12   |   tgrmrn   |   10 respect

I have been a fan since cleveland and now he is trying to make it for the first time and i hoping he does he worked hard and was always trying to make things better for whatever team he played for now it's up to the rest of the team to stay on the course and work together and win this thing for those who stay faithful Lebron needs to get the respect if this is it for the finals.  It's all about Team Not I you can't win a championship without your teammates.