The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
On the heels of the announcement that a street right outside Yankee Stadium will be named after Mariano Rivera, the Sandman's 950-day farewell tour hit yet another high note after the organization declared they would also be naming a player on their roster after the living legend.
"Considering all that Mariano Rivera has done for this organization over the past 2 decades, mainly in the way of throwing cut fastballs, this is least we can do," said Yankees President Randy Levine. "And maybe even then, not enough," he reflected, misty-eyed.
The player, to be named later, will don Mariano Rivera's moniker in honor of the Yankee great until the conclusion of his baseball career and perhaps even past then, depending on where we are in the farewell tour at that point.
"I am humbled," said a humbled Rivera in his typical soft-spoken fashion. "To have an actual adult human named after me is truly an honor. I am speechless," he concluded, thus concluding his speech.
In addition to this gesture, the Yankees intend to further show their gratitude by forcing Metallica into retirement, changing the Spanish word for baseball to "Marianoball," and renaming a constellation in honor of Mo.
"It's the least we can do," blubbered Randy Levine, sobbing.