The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
In fear of losing their prized young pitcher for the rest of his career, the Washington Nationals have announced that they will shut down Stephen Strasburg for the remainder of his career. Addressing the controversial, albeit proactive move, the Washington Nationals have issued the following statement:
Understandably so, baseball fans in Washington, who have been waiting entire generations for a winning team, are miffed by this decision-- really f*cking ticked off, even. The Nationals, perennial cellar-dwellers in the NL East, are enjoying the best record in baseball, riding the young arms of their pitching staff to a legitimate shot at the first World Series berth in franchise history (the Washington Senators, who would become the Minnesota Twins, last won the World Series in 1924.) Despite this, the team seems dead set on their decision. "We are not in the business of winning," said general manager Mike Rizzo, "we are in the business of coddling young men.""Although Stephen Strasburg is, by all definitions, a pitcher, and is paid very handsomely to pitch for a living, it is still our responsibility as an organization make sure that this young man does not injure himself while pitching and for this reason we have decided to keep him off the mound until our team doctors clear him for retirement."
"I'll say that again," he emphasized, "we are not in the business of winning, we are in the business of coddling young men."
Whereas the Chicago Cubs are notorious for, among many things, overusing the likes of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, effectively rendering two incredibly talented arms useless, the Washington Nationals are headed for a different sort of Hall of Shame with Strasburg.
"The Washington Nationals are sucking the life out of Stephen Strasburg, the American youth, and baseball as we know it" grumbled Nolan Ryan's red face. "I oughta get in there and rescue the kid myself," he added.
As for Strasburg himself, the young, nubile, helpless pitcher had this to say:
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