The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
As the details of the very intricate blockbuster trade between the Red Sox and Dodgers become clearer, it seems that not only were the Red Sox able to unload $260 million dollars in salary in LA, but also all traces of dysfunction, self-doubt, double-fisting and blantant disregard for what is good and decent.
For the Red Sox, the trade signifies a new beginning. By ridding themselves of three superstars who were simply not working out in Boston, a quarter of a billion dollars in salary, and for the sake of this article, that a**hole Nick Punto, the Red Sox have essentially hit the reset button and erased a flurry of poor front office decisions made in the past few years. For the Dodgers, on the other hand, this blockbuster should solidify the their reputation as "that dumbass down the street who just won the lottery."
"Although the acquisition of three star players in Gonzalez, Crawford and Beckett is sure to better our ballclub on paper," began one of the many people in currently charge of the Los Angeles Dodgers, "it is the crippling self-doubt we are truly excited about here in LA. That feeling of 'oh my god, what have we done, did we just sign away our future for a not-so-cheap thrill?' That's something which is truly priceless in baseball."
While the mood in Los Angeles being described as "excited, apprehensive, and still having an overwhelming preference for basketball," Boston's fan base, like a dazed pilot who has just hit the ground after ejecting from a burning aircraft, has yet to fully digest the implications of this trade.
"James Loney is our what?" said one groggy fan still sporting the Carl Crawford jersey he received just two Christmases ago. "You pluralize Christmas, how?" he continued, still waking up from what seemed to have been a bad dream.
And as a new Sun rises in Boston, with the future of the franchise still very much in doubt, the team can be absolutely sure about one thing: they almost definitely, probably, and really most likely have weeded out the clubhouse rat.
Follow me on Twitter, where I will be live-tweeting the emotional state of both confused franchises all the way through October!