JaMarcus Russell gives a pound to a teammate while fat
"We are very intrigued by Russell's potential to throw our franchise into disarray and suck the life out of our fan base for years to come," remarked one team official under the condition of anonymity (it's the Jaguars). "We, the Jaguars, plan to keep our eye on JaMarcus over the coming weeks, anonymously."
Russell's transformation has seen him go from 315 pounds to 265, the very same weight he performed at in the 2007 combine when he baited the Raiders into taking him first overall. His new, healthy lifestyle is built around many small meals of lean protein every day, as opposed to 2-3 mall food court rampages a week. His workout regiment consists of kicking out car windshields and throwing children across a river.
"I feel great," commented Russell, who was almost undoubtedly not under the influence purple drink at the moment, "at this point the only thing that can stop me is any one of the many things I prefer to football."