The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
It made no sense. With just 10 minutes to spare, one man turned on ESPN's NFL Live, a program that dedicates a full hour to football, hoping for some kind of non-update on his most favoritist team, the New York Jets. One glance at the rundown, however, showed that a conversation about the Jets wasn't in the cards. Not in 2 minutes, not even in 5. It made no sense.
Sure, Colin Kaepernick is cool, but what about Mark Sanchez? I bet he's in the Himalayas right now consulting with a Buddhist monk on how to center oneself under pressure, how best to deal with the New York media, how to throw effectively outside the numbers. Maybe he's still just hanging out with Jeff Garcia for some reason. Either way, we need to know!
Yeah, fine, Ray Lewis is alright, but what about Darrelle Revis? Is he staying, is he going, how far along is he in his rehab and might he take Rajon Rondo under his wing over the next few months? Can that please be a reality show? These are the questions we need addressed!
Five whole minutes had passed and the anchors were still ignoring the elephant in the room. Alright already, we get it, The Superbowl, but what about the Jets? Mike Tannenbaum is now saying Tim Tebow was forced on him. Rex Ryan has insinuated the same thing, and Woody Johnson denies any involvement in bringing him to New York. This could only mean one thing!.... wait for it...
It's the immaculate transaction!
If this breaking story does not headline Sportscenter, the masses will revolt (most likely). That's all for now.