The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
On the heels of the team's 10th loss in January, the Los Angeles Lakers held yet another team-wide meeting which reportedly consisted of nothing but Kobe Bryant delivering wild, furious backhands to his teammates and coaches.
The meeting, which was described as "not so much therapeutic" and "definitely more on the side of abusive" is yet another sign that this current incarnation of the Lakers just isn't working. Built like a dream team but unfolding like a nightmare, the Lakers have struggled to find their identity on either side of the ball, resulting in an unfortunate round of backhands from their most embattled superstar.
Though many of Kobe's teammates refused to speak on the matter (seemingly out of fear for further retribution) it appears that the majority of the blows landed came at the expense of Dwight Howard and head coach Mike D'Antoni. Pau Gasol took his licks like a man, Metta World Peace remained surprisingly calm during the entire ordeal, and Steve Nash reportedly just said "f--- this" and left. A box score recovered from the scene of the carnage reveals that the Black Mamba threw a whopping 408 forehands, landing just 75 of them.
Despite the ugly incident, the Lakers have bowed to turn the page and start anew. "Our season starts tomorrow," declared Mike D'Antoni through a swollen lip and two black eyes. "Or just fire me now," he added.