Amidst the onslaught upon Lance Armstrong's once-esteemed name which has seen teammate after teammate come out with details on the American icon's doping practices, one key player has remained inhumanly silent the entire time-- until now. Armstrong's bicycle, known affectionately by bike enthusiasts and bikes alike as a "Trek Madone 6.9 pro, Livestrong edition," has come forward to tell the full story behind Lance's drug use and it's complicity in the doping scheme.
Speaking through an interpreter, the Bike released the following statement:
"while it saddens me greatly to say as much, Lance was indeed doping on a regular basis. However, more troubling to myself, as a bicycle, is the admission that not only was I complicit in the program, but an integral spoke in the entire operation. Many assumed I simply looked the other way, freewheeling guy as I am, but the fact is that when I saw the success steroids had in store for us, I changed gears all-together, got my handlebars dirty, and pushed Lance to maximize our output with further cyclical drug use. For you see, I too was addicted to a drug, a little drug called fame."
Although Lance has yet to admit to doping, his own bicycle squeaking out on the subject may be the most damning evidence of all. While Armstrong has already lost sponsors, from Nike to 24 Hour Fitness to Radioshack, his bike is now feeling the backlash, with Trek following suit just hours following the statement.
In addition to pushing it's rider and closest friend to continue doping, the Bike went on to admit that it too underwent augmentations of its own on the black market. Included in its' 'underground tune-up' was enhanced tire-rounding, weekly alloy injections, a very dangerous procedure known as "chainsmoking," and most notoriously, the German all-over-lube-job.
"Like many bikes out there on the road today, this bike has made a mistake," the Bike concluded in front of hundreds of members of the media, all staring in disbelief at the talking bike. "All that can be done now is to apologize deeply and sincerely for the mistakes that I have made as a bicycle, to vow to be a better bicycle in the future, and not just for the world of competitive cycling, but for my friends, my family, the bike rack and the greater community. I hope that we will all come out stronger bicycles in light of this humbling experience."