MLB Stank Rankings: Is Your Team a P.U.-nnant Contender?
Not sure who started the concept of posting major league sports team power rankings throughout the year (CNNSI maybe?) but these days they are fairly prevalent. FanIQ’s own “Pat G.” even has a pretty comprehensive/entertaining one he puts out each week. So, rather than add to the avalanche of “Power” brokers, I decided to go the other way and celebrate the awful, ugly, and truly wretched of Major League Baseball. If nothing else, this should truly test the phrase, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.” Here goes…
1. Miami Marlins (25-50). The Marlins just took a road series from the San Francisco Giants, are 6-4 in their last ten games, and absolutely own the New York Mets, but they still stink worse than three-day-old tequila puke from a Jimmy Buffet concert at Marlins Park. Last week: I didn’t do this list last week but, make no mistake, the Marlins held the top rank of all things rank.
2. Houston Astros (29-48). We like the Astros, if for no other reason than you would struggle to name a single player on their roster, they play in Houston, and yet they continue to show up and compete. Lesser men would have packed it in by now and joined the Netherlands National Team. Their -96 run differential is greater than that of Miami but at least their owner isn’t Jeffrey Loria. Last week: The Astros have had a pretty consistent stench all season long, not unlike what you would smell coming out of an exhaust vent outside Chipotle.
3. Milwaukee Brewers (31-43). Yeah, we know the Mets have a worse record, but there’s something about being 15 games behind baseball’s best team (St. Louis) on June 24th that gives the Brew Crew that extra smell factor. There’s nothing worse than knowing you have absolutely no chance of clawing your way back into the race no matter what happens. Last week: Milwaukee doesn’t have their usual stale beer smell, instead it’s more like stale Bud Selig underpants.
4. Chicago Cubs (31-43). The Cubbies are kinda in the same boat as Milwaukee in that they find themselves with an identical record, in the same division, and trailing the Cardinals juggernaut by 15. What they do have going for them is only a -12 run differential (you would think it would be much worse) and the fact that they play in Chicago, which is a pretty cool city. Last week: The Cubs have been fairly consistent in their sub-mediocrity. They don’t reek yet, but the summer wind in the windy city can’t get downright nasty once temps start to soar and the losses mount.
5. New York Mets (30-42). I avoided this as long as I could. I like the Mets but, let’s face it, they aren’t very good. They now stand 11.5 back in what is shaping up as a fairly weak division. The good news? Youngsters Matt Harvey and Zack Wheeler could turn out to be a substantial one-two pitching punch. The bad news? The offense is offensive and the Wilpons still own the team. That’s two major hurdles to overcome. Last week: A week ago the Mets had the vague aroma of leaking transmission fluid from the chop shops that run parallel to Citifield.
OK, we’ll stop at five. Other teams to keep a nose on in the weeks to come include the LA Dodgers, their smelly counterparts the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the Chicago White Sox, and the Seattle Mariners, who have a potential Pike Place olfactory description in their future if they don’t right the ship soon.