Mark Sanchez named Jets starter for rest of eternity

Breaking: Sanchez annointed Jets' starter for all of eternity

12/5/12 in NFL   |   GFortier   |   520 respect

Blog Photo - Mark Sanchez named Jets starter for rest of eternity
 
The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.

In a move that saddened Jets fans,  saddened some other Jets fans, and saddened all Jets fans, Rex Ryan announced Wednesday morning that Mark Sanchez would be the starter this Sunday in Jacksonville. Reacting to the outpour of negativity following his decision, Ryan has just now announced that Sanchez will start for the Jets for the rest of eternity.

"We think it's the right move," snorted Rex Ryan during his second press conference of the day, held mainly to reinforce and build on the failings of his first press conference. "Mark's our guy, I've been saying it since day one and will be saying it 'til Judgment Day," he declared quite astutely. "Also, Mark's the one guy who thinks this green sweater vest looks good on me, and I want to see how that plays out on the field this week " he concluded.

Sanchez's viability as a quarterback in this league has recently come under fire over the past 845 days, as fans feel his inability to read defenses and get the ball out on time with velocity and/or precision (to his own teammates) makes him a risky option at the games most important position. Also, his leadership is non-existant and he may be legally blind at night. 

Following Greg McElroy's competent performance last Sunday in relief of Sanchez, Gang Green nation was pulling overwhelmingly for his annointment as the starter. "It's very disappointing," said one Jet fan, who maintained annonymity by wearing a paper bag on his head, "to know that you're goind to be disappointed for all eternity, that there is no hope, and to now be forced into rooingt for global warming, it's not ideal."

"I've just got to play better," responded Sanchez when approached by reporters at his favorite midtown arcade, for which he has saved up "a buttload of tokens" at this point in his career. "I've got to start doing all those things they're telling me to do, and definitely need to stop doing the things they're telling me not to do."

When asked to reflect on his career  with the Jets thus far and what it meant to him to be the face of the franchise for the rest of time, Mark instead posed us with a question: "who wants to play air hockey with me?" he asked, quite introspectively. It's a good thing he has all of eternity to work this one out.

Notify me by email about comments that follow mine. Preview