Why is this man smiling? 

You might guess it's because of his record eight gold medals in the Beijing Games.  You might guess it's because he has achieved his childhood dream.  You might even guess it's because he will be featured on the cover of every major magazine known to mankind.

I'm guessing none of the above.  I'm guessing this man is smiling because he just hit the freakin' jackpot.  Dave Chappell joked that knocking up Oprah Winfrey was the way to millions.  My guess is that, when it's all said and done, the endorsement money that will come Phelps' way will make financial status of the illegitimate father of Oprah's lovechild look like chump change.

So millions are coming this young man's way - everything is perfect, right?  Nope.  Not at all.  If there's one thing I've learned from watching countless athletes cash in on their fame, it's that there are some really bad decisions to made out there.  Every company known to man is going to try to get their claws on Phelps and I sincerely hope that he has someone guiding him in the right direction!

So Michael, I've compiled this list to help remind you that all money isn't good money.  Here's hoping you don't have some serious explaining to do to your children and grandchildren in 30 years.

Historical Examples of when $elling Out Goes Wrong

Joe Namath Sells Pantyhose
Joe, Joe, Joe.  Yeah, it was funny.  But pantyhose?  Come on.  Everytime I see this ad I throw up in my mouth a little bit.  This will forever be at the top of most "Celebrity Endorsements Gone Wrong" list.  See Michael, not every ad executive has good ideas!  Don't believe the hype.  Not only did this not work out well for the public, but it also set Joe on a shame spiral that eventually landed him next to Suzy Kolber.  

Michael, if you sell pantyhose, you will be kissing Dana Jacobson in a matter of years.  Please don't go there.  No one wants that for you.


Joe DiMaggio Sells Mr. Coffee
American loved Joe.  America loved Coffee.  It seemed to be a great match.  But it wasn't. 

Michael - America loves you.  And America loves many products.  But we don't want to see you selling just any products.  Look at Joe over there.  Does he look happy?  No.  He looks like he's selling his soul to Mr. Coffee for a few bucks.  You know what America wanted?  We wanted to see Joe smoking a cigarette after a wild time with his wife, Marilyn Monroe.  We wanted to see the look of triumph on his face, not this.  This is a sad shell of how we wanted to remember Joe.  Michael, please don't let this be you.  Avoid Starbucks.  Stay away from Mr. Tea Makers.  And, for goodness sakes, please don't endorse any energy drinks.

Dan Marino Endorses Isotoner
Dan played in Miami - it's pretty freakin' hot there.  Dan was a quarterback - probably the only position other than the holder that wouldn't wear gloves on the football field.  Neither of these facts says gloves to me.  So let's be rational as you're going over your options.  You're a swimmer, so I'm not going to be impressed if you start peddling running shoes.  Stick to what you know.


Rafael Palmiero Endorses Viagra
Dude, I'm not even getting into this one.  If you're impressed by this endorsement, then you need to seek some serious help.  In 20 years, what will Rafael Palmiero be remembered for?  Home runs?  Not likely.  Steroids?  Probably.  That little blue pill that helps little Raffy play?  Absolutely.

Michael, don't go there.  Please.



And Michael - don't just think these things happen to athletes of the past.  Here are a few recent examples of when $elling Out Goes Wrong:

 
Kobe Bryant Endorses Nutella
Nutella?  For those of you that don't know, Nutella is a "thick, smooth spread (paste) made from chocolate and hazelnuts".   Kobe used to endorse them - that is until Nutella realized their idea of spread and his idea of spread were completely different.   If you're looking for that holiday gift for that "hard to buy-for" Kobe fan in your life, why not get them some vintage Nutella.  There are more jokes here, but I'm going to refrain.

Dustin Pedroia Endorses Salsa
Shameless.  Not only does he endorse salsa, he named it after himself.  When I think of salsa, Dustin Pedroia doesn't come to mind.  He's not even the first Boston Red Sox player I think of!  ugh.  When will the madness end?!?  To be fair to Dustin, apparently he's just giving into peer pressure in the Red Sox clubhouse.  I guess they all are trying to move some product these days.  I wish Dustin had gone with something he knew, though - something better than salsa.  He went to Arizona State, so why couldn't he endorse a calendar with attractive cheerleaders on "vacation".


See Michael.  Not everything that glitters is gold.  Take your time.  Sift through all of those endorsements and choose the ones that best represent you.  Remember, this is your shot!  You don't need to get Oprah pregnant, you've already done the dirty work!  Now it's time to reap the rewards!  Just be careful where you're reaping.  I'd hate to see you in a Ben Gay commercial during the 2016 Olympics.