Minnesota Legislature Approves New History for Vikings
In a last-minute reversal on a decision to build a new $975 million stadium for the Vikings, the Minnesota State Legislature pulled an end around Thursday and instead passed a bill to build the team a brand new history, at a fraction of the cost. At a press conference announcing the new deal, Governor Mark Dayton explained the complex decision in simple terms. “This was a no-brainer. Instead of spending almost a billion smackers on a stadium that will host football for five months out of the year and decrepit rock n’ roll acts like Styx and The Eagles the rest of the time, we decided to invest $300 million in rewriting Vikings history. From this point forward the Vikings will have a history that all Minnesotans can be proud of.” Dayton went on to explain that virtually all of the money for the new history would come from nominal taxes on bacon, Kevin Love jerseys, and ice fishing licenses. As for the Vikings, effective immediately…
• Minnesota wins Super Bowls IV and IX, walloping both Kansas City and Pittsburgh.
• Super Bowl VIII never happened.
• Drew Pearson is called for blatant pass interference on Nate Wright on Roger Staubach’s last-gasp pass in the 1975 playoffs and the Vikes go on to win their third Super Bowl, again beating the Steelers.
• Minnesota loses Super Bowl XI to Oakland. (Hey, we’re not greedy.)
• Plans to build the Mall of America fall apart in 1980. The Vikings still play their home games outdoors at landmark Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington.
• Alan Page plays his entire career for the Vikings and is now President of the United States.
• Lovable alcoholic Tommy Kramer leads Minnesota to its fourth Super Bowl win. Bud Grant retires after the game.
• Les Steckel never happened.
• After Grant’s retirement the Vikings immediately name cuddly curmudgeon Jerry Burns as head coach. Several years later Burns stars opposite Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men.
• The Vikings narrowly dodge a bullet when drunken General Manager Mike Lynn sobers up just long enough to put the brakes on a trade that would have brought Herschel Walker to Minnesota. The team responds by winning another Super Bowl.
• Following Burns’ move to Hollywood in late 1991, Minnesota hires Dennis Green as head coach. Yes, that Dennis Green.
• Quickly realizing their error, Minnesota’s front office fires Green after one season and promotes Defensive Coordinator Tony Dungy. Under Dungy’s quiet leadership, #1 ranked defense, and explosive offense featuring Randy Moss, Cris Carter, and Robert Smith, the Vikes win another three Super Bowls.
• Mike Tice never happened.
• Brad Childress never happened.
• After Dungy’s departure the Vikings name his young defensive disciple Mike Tomlin to coach the team. In his opening press conference Tomlin declares, “I want to make one thing perfectly clear. Brett Favre will never play for this football team. Not on my watch.”
• The Vikings have since won two more Super Bowls under current head coach Mike Tomlin.
So, there you have it. Under this new last-minute deal, the Minnesota Vikings are still playing at The Met in Bloomington, have won 10 Super Bowls, and have Mike Tomlin as their head coach. Seems like money well spent.