An Open Letter to the Minnesota Wild from Former Delta Gamma Sorority Sister Rebecca Martinson
[Ed. Note: 1. This letter wasn’t really written by Rebecca Martinson. She’s a much better writer than I am. 2. If you are one of the three people yet to experience her literary genius, I urge you to check it out here: http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read]
Dear Minnesota Wild:
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f***ing ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under Zambonis, which apparently is the majority of this team, we have been F***ING UP in terms of winning games and trying to make the playoffs. I've been getting texts on texts about you guys LITERALLY being so f***ing AWKWARD and so f***ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Rebecca, I've been having so much fun with my teammates this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f***ing find you somewhere in Minnesota to do it myself.
I do not give a flying f**k, and your fans do not give a flying f**k, about how much you f***ing love to skate with your teammates. You have 361 days out of the f**king year to skate with your teammates, and this week is NOT, I f***ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about scoring goals, playing defense, and getting in the f***ing playoffs. Newsflash you stupid pucks: FANS DON’T LIKE TEAMS THAT S**T THE BED DOWN THE STRETCH. Oh wait, DOUBLE F***ING NEWSFLASH: YOU CAN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF YOU F***ING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, YOU F***ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little s**ts that have talked openly about how great it’s going to be to be in the playoffs. Are you people f***ing retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure we get you off the ice.
“But Rebecca!”, you say in a whiny little b***h voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “We’ve really been trying hard, doesn't that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F***ING A** HATS, IT F***ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F***ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN GETTING YOU’RE A**ES HANDED TO YOU BY A BUNCH OF LOSER TEAMS. What the f**k do you call what happened last night at home against Edmonton? 6-1? ARE YOU F***ING STUPID?!! I don't give a S**T about sportsmanship, YOU DON’T LE T A S**T TEAM LIKE THE OILERS COME INTO YOUR BUILDING AND BEAT YOU LIKE A F***ING DRUM WHEN A WIN CAN CLINCH YOU A PLAYOFF SPOT. Or are you just so f***ing dense that you forgot what it takes to make the playoffs? Well it's time someone told you, YOU GRIND IT OUT, SCORE F***ING GOALS, AND DON’T LET WEAKER TEAMS PUSH YOU AROUND. I will f***ing puck f**k the next player I see dogging it, and I don't give a f**k who you are, I WILL F***ING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh Rebecca, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad.” Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little a**wipe that won’t dig pucks out of the corners or if you're a weird s**t that does weird s**t during the game, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S GAME AGAINST COLORADO.
I’m not f**king kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE FOR THIS TEAM. I would rather have 23 guys that can forecheck and put the puck in the net than 80 that are f***ing f****ts. If you are one of the players that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t take all this pressure”, then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f***ing show up unless you’re going to stop being a g*dd**n c**k block for our entire team. Seriously. I swear to f***ing God if I see anyone being a g*dd**n boner at tonight's game against Colorado, I will tell you to leave even if your line has mustered a few shots on goal. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f**k. Go f**k yourself. And Go Wild!