More MLB Biogenesis Suspensions Coming

Suspension of Disbelief

7/29/13 in MLB   |   Wards_Page   |   248 respect

Blog Photo - More MLB Biogenesis Suspensions ComingIn a shocking move, Major League Baseball today announced that it would be suspending all of its players for the remainder of the 2013 season. A statement released by the league office explained the landmark decision thusly:
 
“As we approached the punishment stage for the Biogenesis scandal, we began to realize that there was really no point in continuing to hand out bans and fines on a player-by-player basis when there is truly no end in sight to this thing. When it comes to PEDs the idea of “innocent until proven guilty” just doesn’t work. And, to be quite honest, we were really getting tired of being asked by everyone what we were going to do about A-Rod. Enough with that guy already! So, effective immediately, we are suspending all players in both leagues for the rest of this season. There will be no minor league replacement players as we are suspending all of those guys too. While we understand that many players and fans will be upset by this move, we really think it’s best for the game. 2014 we will start with a clean slate. From that point forward any player testing positive for anything will receive a lifetime ban. No appeals, no claims of sample tampering, no nothing.”
 
Needless to say, the announcement was met with a flurry of comments from around the league and elsewhere.
 
“What the F***? I just got back!” – Derek Jeter
 
“Awesome!” – Ryan Braun
 
“That sucks, but I’m pretty sure I can catch on with the Ravens as a tight end.” – Adam Jones
 
“This is outrageous! I am officially throwing my name into the ring to be baseball’s next commissioner.” – Anthony Weiner
 
“Hope it doesn’t last more than this season, I’m actually 37.” – Yasiel Puig

 
“Please tell us you’re kidding.” – The Pittsburgh Pirates
 
“Thanks for getting me out of Philadelphia.” – Jonathan Papelbon

 
In the wake of Major League Baseball’s decision, Roger Goodell announced that, in light of the recent rash of injuries, the NFL would be suspending training camp and pre season games forever.
 
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