#1 The Cowboys: You had one job, Jerry. One! He fell right into effing your lap. The ‘crazy’ stars were aligned! You could have added an extra $41 Mil of dead money on your cap via some kind of Romo dump. This is the equivalent of the Joker simply running for mayor of Gotham instead of a convoluted, nonsensical, doomed to fail scheme to take over the city. Who wants to see that?
*Quick side note: Hell the Raiders even nailed their first round pick. This may spell the end of an era now that most of the crazies have been sent away to Arkham Asylum. Unless of course, there’s a new even more formidably dysfunctional franchise that can fill this void? Hmmm. Fire up the Bat-Signal Cleveland!
#2 Johnny Manziel: He’s somewhere between a low of Tim Tebow and a high of Mike Vick. Basically he’s a shorter, more popular Vince Young. And is he really that much of an upgrade over Hoyer? Didn’t he do some Johnny Football-esque things last year for the Browns? Anyway, the next 24 months or so of Manziel Mania should be something! Then, well… you know, it’ll be back to God hating Cleveland.
#3 Pre-destiny: Apparently “God’s Plan” plays a major role in the draft and yet a lot of people ask him for help or strength or positive outcomes to random events or whatever they need, even though it’s all been planned out way in advance? So the man upstairs acts like light does in Quantum Mechanics (sometimes it’s one thing, sometimes it’s something completely different). Wait a minute. I think I’ve just come up with a Unification Theory that explains everything? In your face Pope Francis & Stephen Hawkings!
#4 Donald Sterling: He has absolutely nothing to do with any of this, but eff that guy. Moving on…
#5 Draft Grades: I’ll play along with the ‘Winners & Losers’ thing, but grades? Really!? The effing draft isn’t even over yet! Would a food critic ever order a meal and then write the review while he’s waiting to be served? “The Rigatoni with grilled peppers and onions fills a need since I was hungry. I’m not sure about the Merlot though? This may be a reach? Wines can be fickle and they need the right food pairing. So before I eat, I’m giving this meal an B-.” Get your ‘ish together people.
#6 The Texans: The other three teams in the AFC South had their QB’s Hit/Sacked a combined 409 times last season. That’s around 8.5 times per game. Good luck with this Clowney - J.J. Watt “Sacknado.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go trademark that & print up some overpriced T-shirts.
#7 The Brandin Cooks Fantasy Boner: Remember Tavon Austin last year? Well, simmer down. I’m the biggest Saints truther on the interwebs, but I know they have a ton of weapons already and Brees likes to spread it around. We all know Cooks’ going to be a huge part of that offense, just maybe not right out of the gate from day one. His value is going WAY up in 2015 when the Saints will probably part ways with Colston and have to do some serious soul searching in regards to Jimmy Graham. So don’t go all Al Davis in your fantasy league this year. Relax. As noted above, those days are likely behind us.
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
…’till that day in September.