NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 11
Current F-UCS Standings through 10 weeks via the F-U’s Director of Stats and Information, Eric_:
Thanks to the Dolphins, Goodell doesn't score for the first time since Week 1, although his league enters the standings in a tie for 16th. The Dolphins are tied for 5th. Incognito tied for 10th. The top four remain the only four above the morass, and look like this:
1. Roger Goodell - 59
2. God - 14
3. Greg Schiano - 13
4. Dan Snyder - 11
Oh, almost forgot, I entered tied for 29th. Sounds like my class rank in the 100-yard dash in elementary school.
Thanks, Eric. Now here’s your week 11 moment of Zen…
#1 Richie Incognito: The honorary black guy sat down with FOX’s Jay Glazer to clear the air by giving context to his insanely racist and violent voice mail, by saying that’s just the way he and his boys mess with each other. Scumbag Richie then went on to produce a text message from Jonathan Martin that threatened to kill Incognito’s entire family. The problem is that IT WAS A MEME OF SOME DERPY DOG FROM 9GAG.COM!!! 9Gag!?! [face-effing-palm] Richie’s smoking gun was something your mom might post to Facebook, ffs!
Note: In an effort to be fair and balanced, if I got a group text of a sh!tty meme from that site, I’d probably leave an even MORE racist and violent voicemail to the sender. So, there’s that.
#2 DeMaurice Smith: The President of the NFLPA had his own sit down on Monday Night Football to weigh in on the meme war in Miami by proposing to “ban anything with hateful or hurtful language.” Seriously D-Mo? But you’re still going to circle the Player Association’s wagons when it comes to HGH testing, bounty systems and fines for headshots? *Cris Carter voice* “[Riley Cooper slur] please. C’MON MAN!” Then everybody on Monday Night Countdown fake laughs.
#3 Damon Bruce: The San Francisco radio host had a bizarre on air rant, which got him suspended, basically blaming women’s access to locker rooms and their overly sensitive approach to its machismo culture for all the media histrionics surrounding the Dolphin’s F-Ugate. Some guys act like a-holes and we’ve all been “wussified” and overreact to it because… WOMEN! Seems legit. So in his case we should blame his mom, wife, sisters and female co-workers, etc. for his excessively emotional, misguided and attention seeking little speech. (Hashtag: Free Damon Bruce)
#4 Outside The Lines: The mother ship’s program had a report outlining the decline in Pop Warner football over the last few years. Uh oh, the sky is falling and it’s going to concuss our kids! Apparently this 9.6% decline, from 2010 to 2012, is a direct result of the growing awareness over the link between football and possible brain injuries, right? What they failed to point out was that, per the NFHS (National Federation of State High School Associations), there has been continued growth in HS football participation over the past 20 plus years. This is also supported by the NSGA’s (National Sporting Goods Association) ten-year study showing a 5% increase in ‘contact’ football from 2001 to 2011 for boys 7 to 17. So how is this possible? Isn’t Pop Warner the feeder system for the high school programs, which account for over a third of all contact football participants in minors?
[cue the Cam Newton kid, “I’m just warming up my arm.”]
#5 The NFL: Specifically, its Play 60 and nation wide flag football campaigns have taken a huge chunk of those aged 7 to14 out of the Pop Warner and middle school systems and converted them to the “safer” flag version of the sport. Since 1996, this program has also increased the female participation in football exponentially. That’s important and that’s why there has been an overt attempt to market the game directly at the coveted 18-34 female demographic. Why have a breast cancer awareness month and not a colon cancer campaign? Aren’t men an even bigger percentage of the league’s audience? As Colin Cowherd has often pointed out, if mommies are emotionally attached to the game, they’ll be more likely to accept the risks associated with their sons’ participation. Dads are already pretty open to the idea, but now since mommy may have played as a little kid and might follow the league with any kind of interest, the NFL will continue to have all the chattel it needs for future economic growth.
[Insert the Key & Peele, “C’Hattel McHattelberry, McNeese State” bump gag here.]
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
“Till that day.”