NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 12
#1 Roger Goodell: Question: What fines did the NFL had out this week. Answer: ALL OF THEM! “You get a fine! You get a fine! And YOU get a fine! Everybody gets a fine!” Head butting gets a fine. Tackling the Saints quarterback, BAM! – fine. And my personal favorite, handing the ball to a fan post touchdown is no problem, but if you throw it into the stands, boom! $5240 FINE! Just fine ‘em all and let Goodell sort it out. The NFL’s fine kitty must be approaching Harvard’s endowment at this point. So where does all this money go? Is it charities or more research into CTE? How much money does it cost to fund another ‘gun logic’ (ahem) independent studies proving that football doesn’t cause concussions, concussions cause concussions?
#2 The Referees: It was a tough week for the zebras. Iffy, game changing calls in New Orleans & Carolina and an accusation of verbal abuse from ‘The Washingtons’ Trent Williams. Thankfully CSI: NFL is ‘investigating’ the potty-mouthed referee in question. Eff it, fine his @ss and Williams for being a blankity-blank, horse-blank, mother-blanker in the first place. Case closed.
#3 Ray Lewis: Ray Ray was so incensed about that aforementioned call in the 49ers game, that he jumped the gun and offered to pay half of whatever fine the NFL was obviously going to levy, because the NFL has to understand that defensive players are men or something or whatever? No one is sure what the hell Ray was talking about, but he was clearly livid and this only adds to his Goodell X-files. Ray may be losing his mind and it’s going to be hysterical when the league fines him for paying a players fine. Stay tuned.
#4 Hair: Eff you, pull out a handful. Those long dread locks are part of the player or uniform just like a Predator, which is going to be really cool when NIKE unveils a chromed-out, translucent, cloaking uniform for Oregon next year. What I couldn’t understand is why Jason Babin returned the locks to Andre Ellington instead of putting them up on Ebay for whatever charity the league is trumpeting right now. Purple Polio Month? Tuberculosis awareness? Remember that lady in the commercial who didn’t know about breast cancer until the Jets wore pink wristbands last year? It saved her life. I think the league dropped the ball on this one and should be fined.
#5 RGIII: It’s everybody else’s fault he’s playing like dog-blank, but in true political, err, leadership fashion he recanted his statements and explained what he really meant to say was that everybody sucks including himself. (Bonus points for the passive-aggressive middle finger here.)
#6 & #7 Ed Reed doesn’t think it’s Ed Reed’s fault: More blame game. It was defensive coordinator Wade Phillips fault Reed played with all the intensity of a hung over frat boy in a flag football game and got cut. "Critics are looking for every reason to put everything on Ed Reed," Reed said. "That's funny. That's funny to me. And it's kind of funny that I'm speaking in the third person about that."
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
…’till that day.