NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 15
#1 Mike Shanahan: He’s like George Costanza trying to get fired from the Yankees at this point. His Shanahanigans include leaking that he cleaned out his office and almost quit last year, benching the owner’s bestie and making him run the scout team all week, then getting all pissy with the media about it. I fully expect him to coach in a nude suit this weekend and talk about “The Injun Way” in reference to his management style. Magic Mike is going to throw his hat into the ring for the (probable?) opening at the University of Texas by any means necessary.
#2 The Washingtons: [insert ironic “circle the wagons” line here] It’s become so bad inside the beltway that (per UPROXX) life long R-word fan, renown owner of the Momofuku Restaurant Group, Chef David Chang (Treme & Top Chef ), has launched a rather snarky Kickstarter campaign to buy the team from Dan Snyder for Six. Billion. Dollars. Hahahahaha! Hold tight DC fans, the cavalry is coming to save the day. Yippee-kah-yay Momofuku! Even though this is clearly a publicity stunt that fans are eagerly going to embrace to send a message, things are bound to get even more interesting on this front especially when you factor everyone’s collective “Snyderfreude.” Get your popcorn ready.
Psssssst Danny Boy, don’t order the Fugu the next time you’re at his restaurant Má Pêche.
#3 Jeff Triplette: Last week his crew had trouble figuring out the downs and this week he went full Helen Keller on a clear as day, ‘down by contact’ review of a touchdown. Obviously, Jeff does not give an eff about the league’s grading system for officials, he’s just out there to have fun or something? It’s not a competition, so chill everybody.
#4 The NFL: A week after banning machine gun ads during the broadcast of the Super Bowl, the league has announced that there will be NO TAILGATING at the game this year. According to the game's committee CEO & head of the NFL’s Good Times Gestapo, Al Kelly (via ESPN) "You will be allowed to have food in your car and have drink in your car. And provided you're in the boundaries of a single parking space, you'll be able to eat or drink right next to your car. However, you're not going to be able to take out a lounge chair, you're not going to be able to take out a grill, and you're not going to be able to take up more than one parking space. And it'll all be watched very carefully." Wait, it gets better. “And hiring a black car, taxi or limo won't be an option for VIPs. No cars will be allowed near the stadium on game day without visible parking passes, and any car that drops off a passenger will have to wait at the stadium.” Wait, wait, wait, there’s more. “You cannot walk to the Super Bowl,” Kelly said. "You can get your hotel to drop you off at one of the New Jersey Transit locations or get the shuttle to take you to a Fan Express location, but you cannot walk.” So the NFL’s ‘final solution’ for keeping order at the Super Bowl includes having everyone clearly identified, rounded up without food or drink and put on zee trains. Unglaublich.
#5 Sean Payton: “Go home Sean, you’re drunk.” For some effing reason, the Saints coach turned down a penalty with an automatic first down in favor of a 2nd and 3 opportunity, gaining just two extra yards in the process, from their own 27 yard line!? The Saints proceeded to go 3 and out then punted the ball back to the Panthers… because of course they did. Look New Orleans is a really fun party town, but replacing the Gatorade on the sideline with “Hurricanes” is probably not a great idea.
#6 The Seahawks & 49ers: The teams are involved in some kind of sloppy-seconds, waiver wire, “flame” war. They have poached 12 players off the each other’s practice squads for no other reason than eff you, that’s why! One of these coaches is bound to drop a Ray Jay like “I Hit It First” remark, followed by the other coach retorting like Kanye during what will surely be one of the most memorably weird and surly pressers ever. [Hashtag] YEEZUS.
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
…’till that day.