NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 16
#1 The Cowboys: Insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. The Cowboys are officially insane but Jerry is going to Jerry. It’s time for him to take a long look in the (presumably gigantic) mirror and figure this thing out. Crazy times call for crazy measures and I’ve got one: CLOSERBACK, a QB who comes in late in the games to close out wins by running out the clock. It’s not a new idea, but it’s so nuts it might just work. Look if Jerry isn’t going to address his defense this might be the easiest, err I mean, craziest fix. There’s already a guy out there who would be great at it, Timothy Richard Tebow. Take last week’s game for example. In the middle of the 4th quarter Tim gets up and starts warming up, the crowd gets a little excited, the announcers start throwing out his rushing stats and Jason Garrett could be looking ahead to the next TV timeout to pull Romo. (No need to burn a time out, television stops the game every 5 minutes anyway.) Tony comes out, the crowd gives him a standing ovation for a great game then Tebow goes in and runs the clock out with a one trick, read option ground & pound offense featuring a running back that was averaging 7.5 yards per carry. In limited situations it could be just like Mariano’s cutter. You’d know it’s coming and yet it could still be effective. That is the kind of insanity the Cowboys need. Plus it would add a whole new, stratospheric level of media attention, which knowing their [air quotes] General Manager, would just be the “cherry on top,” but he probably doesn’t want to hear it. Jerry Jones has said so time and time again, and you tell everybody. Go ahead and tell everybody.
#2 The Washingtons (more on this name below): They turned the ball over ELEVENTEEN times last week and still - STILL! - had a chance to win the “Circling the Bowl Bowl” on the final play. I don’t know if that says more about them, the seriously depleted Falcons or the state of the NFL in general? Is there such a thing as a moral defeat?
#3 RG2: That’s not a shot at RG3, it’s his father who was apparently meddling in the team’s affairs by suggesting to owner Dan Snyder that they hire Griff’s college coach even though Shanahan still has a year left on his contract. That story was IMMEDIATELY refuted by other stories, which were then refuted by other stories and so and so on down the rabbit hole of D.C. dysfunction that now includes the media. Wait, they deserve their own spot…
#4 Talking Heads: The best part of any Washington related story is watching talking heads stick to their cause célèbre and fumble all over themselves trying desperately not to use the team’s name in their on-air takes. Look they’re called “talking heads” and not “thinking heads” for a reason. Let’s just make it easy for them and all start using the term R-word. Then 24 hour cable news or sports networks could have some earnest exchange of ideas over whether the R-word is worse than the N-word, the ethnicity of the Easter bunny, which national holiday is “elite,” etc. “Look I really like Labor Day, it’s a serviceable holiday, but you CAN NOT put it in the same class as the Christmases and Thanksgivings of the world.”
#5 The Referees: During the same week that one crew called a 15 yard penalty on a QB for throwing a half-assed, flop block “in the direction of his own end zone,” (wut?) another crew also blatantly missed a crown of the helmet to a punter’s mouth breaking his jaw and cracking a vertebra in the process. There is no rhyme or reason to anything they call anymore. Scoring is going through the roof as a result of pass interference, defensive holding and illegal contact penalties being called at a staggering rate. No one knows what the hell is going on anymore, including the officials.
#6 Reggie Bush: The almost Kardashian and Captain of the S.S. Obvious blamed his team’s woes on lack of discipline. Ya think!?!? Reggie is going to be a great talking head on FOXDeportes1 when he retires.
#7 The Seahawks & 49ers: The Hatfields and McCoys of fan bases are in rare form this year. Planes with banners, billboards, online meme wars, it’s truly, moronically epic. It’s only a matter of time before some lunatic fan tries to poison the Space Needle or Golden Gate Bridge. #TrollTide
Remember, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
…’till that day.