NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 4
It’s was a big week, let’s get to it.
#1 Roger Goodell: The NFL has a $1.2 million lawsuit against M.I.A. for flipping the bird during her halftime performance at the 2012 Super Bowl because “Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of the middle finger, without the express written consent of The National Football League is strictly prohibited.” All he wants do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!
& KAAAA CHING!) And take your money.
#2 Sal Paolantonio: (Via Deadspin) After Andy Reid’s triumphant return to Philly, Sal mowed Alex Flannigan’s lawn and her “contracted first interview priviledge” since the game was on the NFL Network and not ESPN. That subtle, little F-U turned what should have been a quick 45 second interview into some kind of strange, close up, television chaos like after Lee Harvey Oswald was shot by Jack Ruby. This is just more fuel to the fire in this clash of these middle finger Titans. Remember that concussion story ESPN was working on with Frontline, which prompted “heated” lunch meeting? Yeah this ain’t over. We will stay with this F-U as it develops.
#3 Tampa Bay: Crazy coach. Black Sanchez. Revis b!tching about some ish, then publicly recanting. Underrated defense and an offense stuck in neutral. It’s the Jets South! B-U-C-S, Bucs-Bucs-Bucs! There’s a Category 3 cluster-eff over Cuba heading in their general direction. This is either going to develop into Glennon-Mania or another ‘Deepwater Horizon’ catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico.
#4 Strippers: As many media outlets reported, Ravens WR Jacoby Jones was involved in an altercation with a stripper in a ‘Party Bus’ early Monday morning. (Early? Monday? Morning!? Y’all MF’ers need to find Jesus!) In the fight Jones was struck in the head with a champagne bottle. This, of course, is a clear “targeting the crown of the head” infraction prompting Roger Goodell to fine the stripper $42,000 …in single dollar bills. (rimshot!)
#5 Bronco’s RBs: They had an itsy bitsy F-U game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who would get the fantasy points on Denver’s F-U touchdown against the Raiders. The rematch is December 29th in the Black Hole. We’re just going to go ahead and pencil Raider Nation into the top 3 for that week.
Also receiving non-NFL related F-U votes:
Anybody with an Emmy vote. (Are you effing kidding me? Jeff Daniels? No, no, no EFF YOU Emmys!) Dexter’s show runners, my neighbor who is apparently running some kind of Shih Tzu dog fighting ring and, as always, your mother.
It is with great sadness that the F-U Power Rankings has to report the loss of a middle finger. The Cardinals Rashad Johnson lost the tip of his digitus medius during the game in New Orleans.
[cue the Sarah McLachlan / “I Will Remember You” montage]
Rashad Johnson’s Middle Finger
[Fade to sign off]
There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
Until that day.