NFL

NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 5

10/3/13 in NFL   |   marcus_nyce   |   26029 respect

FU History MonthAll persons, places and things middle finger related in the form of an indiscriminate list without any set number of entries, on a weekly, biweekly or monthly basis. Who knows? Middle fingers are completely organic and unpredictable.
 
October is F-U History month. FYI: Middle Finger Pride parade is on the 20th.
 
#1 Roger Goodell: The Ravens might be on to something, but they aren’t the targets they were just pawns in Goodell’s Kansas City Shuffle. The Super Bowl didn’t go dark to adversely affect the Ravens, it was a distraction so he could get a barge of Nazi gold down the Mississippi while everybody was freaking out over the Super Bowl. It was right under our collective noses. **Spoiler Alerts** Goodell’s eventually going to kill those Nazis (that’s what the machine gun in his trunk is for) put the ricin in the Fainaru-Wada brother’s iced tea during a lunch meeting to discuss their new book and then force ESPN’s John Skipper to launder all his millions in Nazi gold through the Disney corporation and give it to his son.
 
#2 BEE! YOU! SEE! KAY!: Bucs-Bucs-Bucs! “Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? / Blowin’ up franchises and QB’s and CBA non-disclosure clauses.” Yeah my sh!tty ‘School House Rock’ parody needs a some work, but not as much as Tampa Bay needs Habitat for Humanity. Schiano’s in for a 3 a.m. meeting at LAX with the GM. (Conspiracy theory: Freeman’s persona non grata camp leaked his involvement in the league’s drug program and his repeated fines, making him un-tradable - then hopefully released to pick his own landing spot - and will plead nolo contendere as a free agent after the dust settles, sighting his poor treatment by the team. Middle fingers all around!)
 
#3 The Titans: In honor of F-U History Month, Tennessee threw a 77-yard TD pass up 31-13 WITH THEIR BACK-UP QB in the 4th quarter against the Jets. It was brought to you [in an African American man’s voice you only hear in February] by Coca Cola and AT&T …wait for it.
 
#4: The Lions: (per ProFootballTalk) Detroit’s vice chairman, Bill Ford called the Bears “thugs.” Pot-kettle-black, duly noted. The Lions are becoming the “Malcolm X in the Middle” of F-U History, middle fingers by any means necessary.
 
An F-U History Month profile: William F. Never Esq.
 
This character is the figurative consigliere and/or instigator motivating every innovator since the dawn of time. If necessity is the mother of invention, then the more commonly known “Will Never” is its baby daddy. He’s most often sited by  naysayers who are terrified of change and oblivious to innovation. Typically it is ‘X Will Never Y’ or more famously: “The television WILL NEVER replace the movie theater.” “People WILL NEVER want a computer in their home.” “iPhones WILL NEVER…” – The BlackBerry guy.
 
Mathematically, x (w + n) = y, it has been popularized in sports by the likes of Bill James, Billy Beane, John Hollinger & more recently Chip Kelly who’s offense WILL NEVER work in the NFL even though middle finger aficionado, Bill Belichik, was already using a lot it’s up tempo concepts and schemes long before Kelly implemented it in Philly. [citations needed]
 
See also: May Never, Will’s younger, more rational sister.
 
There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
 
Until that day.
 
-5000-
 
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10/4/13   |   Eric_   |   7716 respect

I've ran the numbers, and unsurprisingly, it's all Roger Goodell at this point. There are still three quarters of a season plus the playoffs to go though. Here are the full results so far. Note there are some scoring decisions I had to make.

1. Roger Goodell 34
2. God/God's Plan 14
3. Bill Belichick 10 (holds tiebreaker over Tampa Bay due to having 1 "win")
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10
5. Sean Payton 6
5. Philadelphia Eagles 6
5. Sal Paolantonio 6
8. Tennessee Titans 4
9. Dan Snyder 3
9. Tony Romo 3
9. Eli Manning 3 (the Roller Coasters from Week 2 was scored for both of them)
9. Strippers 3
9. Detroit Lions 3
14. Jim Harbaugh 2
14. Pete Carroll 2
14. Broncos RBs 2

Before you say I have too much time on my hands: 1.) Yes, but 2.) this actually only took about 10 minutes to do.

10/4/13   |   Eric_   |   7716 respect

marcus_nyce wrote:
Brilliant! Done & done. It's basically for second place though, Goodell is like Bama at this point. #RodgeDamnTide
(Edited by Eric_)

I was going to say Sebastian Vettel like, but that might get me a swirly in the boys bathroom later. During a break in baseball, I'll figure out the current standings.

10/4/13   |   marcus_nyce   |   26029 respect

Eric_ wrote:
I feel we need to quantify this as the season continues to determine the overall FU Power Rankings Champion. I propose using the old Formula 1 top 6 method of scoring (10-6-4-3-2-1), as  this was the point system in F1 when I was growing up, which automatically makes it the BEST EVAH and all other point systems suck.

Brilliant! Done & done. It's basically for second place though, Goodell is like Bama at this point. #RodgeDamnTide

10/4/13   |   kobe_lova   |   59461 respect

I have no idea what most of this is about, but I always love the read just so I can view ADD in action.

10/3/13   |   Eric_   |   7716 respect

(Edited by Eric_)

I feel we need to quantify this as the season continues to determine the overall FU Power Rankings Champion. I propose using the old Formula 1 top 6 method of scoring (10-6-4-3-2-1), as  this was the point system in F1 when I was growing up, which automatically makes it the BEST EVAH and all other point systems suck.

10/3/13   |   Jess   |   32854 respect

marcus_nyce wrote:
Thank you fir scoring at home. It started as a Slevin piece, but went Br Ba cuz it's still on everbody's minds. Hahaha.


It's a full month, Pete's on the short list, plus they're due to blow somebody out. Also Richard Sherman is involved.

Because of course he is  cheeky

10/3/13   |   marcus_nyce   |   26029 respect

Jess wrote:
Aww, a Kansas City Shuffle reference.  heart

Amazing, as always.

P.S. You fibbed to me re: Pete Carroll

Thank you fir scoring at home. It started as a Slevin piece, but went Br Ba cuz it's still on everbody's minds. Hahaha.


It's a full month, Pete's on the short list, plus they're due to blow somebody out. Also Richard Sherman is involved.

10/3/13   |   Jess   |   32854 respect

Aww, a Kansas City Shuffle reference.  heart

Amazing, as always.

P.S. You fibbed to me re: Pete Carroll

10/3/13   |   marcus_nyce   |   26029 respect

The_Real_Stoney wrote:
My favorite read of the week

I had a Patrick Roy line that would have gotten my account suspended once they checked some of the words in bablefish. He is the absolute best!!

10/3/13   |   The_Real_Stoney   |   24020 respect

My favorite read of the week