NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 5
October is F-U History month. FYI: Middle Finger Pride parade is on the 20th.
#1 Roger Goodell: The Ravens might be on to something, but they aren’t the targets they were just pawns in Goodell’s Kansas City Shuffle. The Super Bowl didn’t go dark to adversely affect the Ravens, it was a distraction so he could get a barge of Nazi gold down the Mississippi while everybody was freaking out over the Super Bowl. It was right under our collective noses. **Spoiler Alerts** Goodell’s eventually going to kill those Nazis (that’s what the machine gun in his trunk is for) put the ricin in the Fainaru-Wada brother’s iced tea during a lunch meeting to discuss their new book and then force ESPN’s John Skipper to launder all his millions in Nazi gold through the Disney corporation and give it to his son.
#2 BEE! YOU! SEE! KAY!: Bucs-Bucs-Bucs! “Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? / Blowin’ up franchises and QB’s and CBA non-disclosure clauses.” Yeah my sh!tty ‘School House Rock’ parody needs a some work, but not as much as Tampa Bay needs Habitat for Humanity. Schiano’s in for a 3 a.m. meeting at LAX with the GM. (Conspiracy theory: Freeman’s persona non grata camp leaked his involvement in the league’s drug program and his repeated fines, making him un-tradable - then hopefully released to pick his own landing spot - and will plead nolo contendere as a free agent after the dust settles, sighting his poor treatment by the team. Middle fingers all around!)
#3 The Titans: In honor of F-U History Month, Tennessee threw a 77-yard TD pass up 31-13 WITH THEIR BACK-UP QB in the 4th quarter against the Jets. It was brought to you [in an African American man’s voice you only hear in February] by Coca Cola and AT&T …wait for it.
#4: The Lions: (per ProFootballTalk) Detroit’s vice chairman, Bill Ford called the Bears “thugs.” Pot-kettle-black, duly noted. The Lions are becoming the “Malcolm X in the Middle” of F-U History, middle fingers by any means necessary.
An F-U History Month profile: William F. Never Esq.
This character is the figurative consigliere and/or instigator motivating every innovator since the dawn of time. If necessity is the mother of invention, then the more commonly known “Will Never” is its baby daddy. He’s most often sited by naysayers who are terrified of change and oblivious to innovation. Typically it is ‘X Will Never Y’ or more famously: “The television WILL NEVER replace the movie theater.” “People WILL NEVER want a computer in their home.” “iPhones WILL NEVER…” – The BlackBerry guy.
Mathematically, x (w + n) = y, it has been popularized in sports by the likes of Bill James, Billy Beane, John Hollinger & more recently Chip Kelly who’s offense WILL NEVER work in the NFL even though middle finger aficionado, Bill Belichik, was already using a lot it’s up tempo concepts and schemes long before Kelly implemented it in Philly. [citations needed]
See also: May Never, Will’s younger, more rational sister.
There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
Until that day.