NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 6
Even though Kanye had a seminal middle finger performance and Commissioner Voldemort had a big week the F-U-X-Files has uncovered a new #1. Zapruder would be proud.
#1 Ray Lewis: ESPN analyst and noted Goodell conspiracy theorist, prominently wears his gigantic Super Bowl ring on his middle finger. As a tip of the hat to Paul Lukas and the Uni Watch you can see it here, here and here. This clearly has some deeper meaning. The effing truth is out there.
#2 Roger Goodell: He fined Seattle’s Lynch for wearing the wrong colored cleats, because as the commercials will tell you, they’re not just raising money and awareness for Breast Cancer, THEY’RE ACTUALLY SAVING LIVES!!! IF THAT LADY HADN’T SEEN THOSE PINK WRISTBANDS SHE’D BE EFFING DEAD! DEAD!! That’s going above a beyond safety people. Speaking of going above and beyond safety, Goodell also e-mailed everyone a personalized, pre-emptive F-U position piece (re-emphasizing his party’s talking points) right before a certain book and accompanying documentary were released…
#3 Frontline: League of Denial. A Samuel L. Jackson like ‘retort’ to the NFL’s stance on the relationship between the head trauma associated with football and CTE later in life. Highlights included graphic autopsy photos, someone named ‘Dr. No’ and an inevitable “day of reckoning” for the NFL. “Say ‘WHAT?’ again, Roger! Say it M-F’er! Say it one more G-D time!” I hope Benedict Cumberbatch plays both Fanairu brothers in the movie version, (with dueling ridiculous wigs) The Fifth Estate II: The Inconvenient Truth.
#4 Marshwan Lynch: The habitual line stepper was also dinged in 2011 for wearing Skittle themed cleats. So, EFF YO couch Goodie!
#5 Dan Snyder: In response to the President’s remarks regarding his team’s name, Danny Boy jumped on the opportunity to circle the wagons & stick to his guns (sorry for the very poor choice of words) by releasing a public letter full of defiant “contrite-y-ness” that has more flaws than the Bible has Psalms.
#6 Dominic Raiola: The Detroit Lions lineman (of course the Lions) apparently hurled homophobic remarks at The University of Wisconsin’s band during their rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Pound for pound this team may have the most A-holes in the league. The Lions are investigating these allegations with the same fervor that the NFL has for this concussion hubbub.
#7 Vegas: The spread in the Denver / Jacksonville game opened at 28 points. TWENTY. EIGHT. That’s an Ohio St. / Florida A+M number. Hell, I don’t even think the Jags would give 28 to Florida A+M. One way or another the books are effing daring you with that number.
Also receiving non-NFL related F-U votes: A-Rod’s lawsuit against everything and everybody associated baseball including Tom Emanski, Ken burns, Enrico Pallazzo and the Delaware River’s mud. The week also featured David Price v. Nerds, Nerds v. Price, Barves v. Chipper, Neil Degrasse Tyson v. Gravity and Kanye West v. Society.
There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
Until that day.