NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 7
For Immediate Release: Long time friend of the middle finger and saber-accountant Eric_ has been appointed DIRECTOR OF STATS AND INFORMATION for the F-U Rankings as he has developed a point based system for all this madness and is currently keeping score. (Hashtag Cheers!) Our first official list will coincide with the release of the BCS standings.
And since I’m running out of gimmicks and self-proclaimed Kanye-esque ‘Wagnerian Leitmotifs’ in regards to you know who, let’s go to the movies!
#1 The Way of the Gun: Tom Brady, he’s “the guy you might meet one night. When you wake up with a pillow over your head. And the only thing you'll hear is a little pop.” As a Saints fan, that wasn’t a ‘stomach punch’ game. It can’t be. G.O.A.T.’s don’t hit you with those. Like Jordan’s “Double Nickle” or Ali’s “Rumble in the Jungle” those [air quotes] past their prime performances (think about where Pats Nation was re: The Brady Era after that loss to Cincy) may have come out of nowhere, but in retrospect, we should have seen them coming. Brees is a Hall of Famer. Brady is an All-Timer. Big difference. I’m not taking Montana off the Mount Rushmore of QB’s; I’m just ready to put Brady in the more prominent “Washington” spot once it's all said and done. I’m sure as the two QBs exchanged their “hell of a game” and “good jobs” during the post-mortem handshake, Brees, emotionally bloodied, beaten and left for dead, must have been hoping for a re-match on the highest NFL stage in the Super Bowl. Other contenders & key injuries to both teams willing, “Until that day.”
#2 X-Men: Roger Goodell. In an attempt to take the public attention away from the traumatic head injury thingy, Commissioner Magneto has unleashed a series of commercials focusing on romanticizing football with the likes of Joe Montana, Condi Rice and cancer survivor Robin Roberts. PINK WRISTBANDS TIE IN! But here’s the problemo (Hispanic Heritage month tie in!) “There’s a war coming.” The first battle, if you will, was the fibula-fracturing hit by a Ravens safety on Green Bay’s WR Randall Cobb. Defensive players are claiming that they don’t have a choice and want to get fined for a blow to the head, so they’re targeting lower. Offensive players have always contended that shots like that to the legs were frowned upon as an unwritten rule. This “Eff Me? No, no, no Eff YOU!” battle of middle fingers is bound to escalate.
#300: The Jaguars “dined in hell,” “fought in the shade” of Denver’s* aerial onslaught, took their shots and beat a bigger spread than the Spartans faced versus Xerxes, which opened in Persepolis at -26 ½. Good job, good effort.
* In Judeo-ESPN tradition, their QB is believed to be the football king identified as “Peyton” in the antediluvian “Book of Manning.”
#4 Tommy Boy: Robert Irsay is the goofy, legacy child who inherited his father’s team and just can’t help himself. After taking an itsy-bitsy cheap shot at former Colts great Peyton Manning, he cleared up everything, err cleared up nothing on twitter (as one does) by calling someone a hypocrite or something? Who knows? At least it’s all tremendously entertaining and will comically work itself out in the end.
#5 What About Bob?: Bob Costas is a good natured enough broadcaster who uses his platform, every now and then, to address some of the societal problems du-jour with his version of “Baby Steps” and we just can’t get rid of him. As annoying as it is, we collectively roll our eyes, sigh and nod along politely. It’s getting on our nerves now, but we’ll all come to love Bob once he inevitably follows Goodell to his summer home to pester him on his BS ‘wagging of the dog’ regarding the litany of paradoxical problems his league is facing going forward.
#6 Scarface: Aaron Henandez. First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get involved a bunch of homicides (allegedly), then you file a grievance with your former employer anticipating that they won’t pay you guaranteed money from your contract including the $1.137 million base salary and the 500 grand guaranteed workout bonus for NEXT year. Is he effing kidding!? An off-season workout bonus for 2014?? All he’s got left in life is his word and his balls, which are bowling ball sized brass ones.
#28 Days Later: About a month ago things took a dramatic turn for the worse for Tampa Bay, now there’s a viral MRSA pandemic ripping through their locker room or as it’s referred to in Greg Schiano’s case “the rage.” The only person to stagger out alive was Josh Freeman, who will start this Monday for the Vikings instead of one of their “Walking Dead” QBs.
Reminder: There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
“Till that day.”