NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week 9
#1 Roger Goodell: Per a Dead Spin article, a Missouri Court of Appeals judge declared the NFL’s arbitration policy “unconscionable and unenforceable.” Coincidentally, that ruling is very similar to the title of another Frontline documentary on Roger’s plan to eliminate headshots called, “Unconscious and Unenforceable.” [rim shot] Also, at some NFL women’s conference this week, Goodie had his wife tell all the mommies that their kids are more likely to get concussed “riding a bike than playing football.” Those Pre-K Oklahoma drills actually build character. And finally, NFL officials met with representatives of the Oneida Nation regarding a certain team’s name at an undisclosed location. That location just happened to be the law firm that represents the interests of a certain Washington based franchise’s trademarked slur. So, all’s well that ends well…
#2 Dan Snyder: D’OH! (Relax everybody that bloodied hoodie and black face costume Danny Boy wore for Halloween, was a “tribute” to Trayvon Martin.)
#3 Jason Tarver: The Raiders Defensive Coordinator double dipped by flipping his middle finger AND yelling F-Us at officials last week. He was a homophobic slur away from cursing for the cycle.
#4 Dez Bryant: The Cowboys released the audio from his Romo meltdown, trying to spin it into some kind of [air quotes] melt-up. “See, it’s all positive. He’s just passionate.” He’s passionate the same way a toddler is “passionate” about not getting what they want. It doesn’t change the fact that he needed to be separated from Jason Witten a few minutes later. Where’s that audio? He’s a young Terrell Owens. The league just spent the last month making everybody aware of cancer and the Cowboys clearly have a lump forming in their locker room. They need to hire the same company that cleared out the MRSA in Tampa Bay’s facilities and have them start a regimen of chemotherapy at Cowboy Stadium.
#5 Throwing Schiano: (That needs to be an Urban Dictionary term at this point.) Stories keep leaking out of Tampa about current and former players throwing shade all over the Bucs’ coach. It’s getting pretty ugly. Then, referencing the “Fire Schiano” billboards in his post game presser last week, he said that, “everyone is entitled to their opinions” and that he was just going to “start preparing to go get a win at Seattle.” Good luck with that. I’m sure at some point General Custer was also preparing to go get a win at Little Big Horn. Speaking of Seattle…
#6 Golden Tate: For effs sake, act like you’ve been there! Oh wait, that hardly ever happens. Never mind. His little moron trot into the end zone has led the NFL’s competition committee to take a closer look at their taunting rules. Great, more NFL rules to spin as safety measures because taunting hurts feelings :(
There is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
“Till that day.”