NFL F-U Power Rankings: Week Deux
#1 GOD: The Super Bowl unexpectedly went dark. Then the first nationally televised ‘kick off’ game had to deal with lightning. The mightiest of middle fingers is sending signs. He has even forsaken his favorite son. Does GENOmania remind you of anything? The Sanchize goes down and is out for the season. Geno starts then effs around for 58 and a half minutes waiting for divinity to intervene with an iffy call, so the team can pull the game out of their butts on a field goal. That series of mysterious events came a year late for Timmy. That’s the problem, he’s just one of us now. He’s merely a fan. Wasn’t that supposed to be the story line for the Jets in 2012? Tebow has been reduced to JOB in the man upstairs’ long awaited follow up book, 2Holy 2Bible. Look I’m no theologian, but we’re going to have to sacrifice a virgin or start "asking and telling" in the military before playoff games are cancelled due to locusts. There were also WAY too many close calls in suicide pools for a week 1 & Green Bay* got ‘GOT’ by the referees again. Need another sign? The Raiders are 6 point favorites (…not 3, not 4, not 5 but SIX!) ON. THE. ROAD. Light candles if ya got ‘em.
[*Note: Last week we teased the wrong team with San Fran in the first dust-up prop bet, but we’re going to hedge it with “Next,” “Biggest” & “Total” fight wagers.]
#2 The Iggles: Philadelphia up to number #2 with a bullet! Very solid effing week. First Riley Cooper finally got to fight a [racial slur deleted], but Cary Willams retorted that he was “… the wrong [racial slur deleted] to eff with!” We may need to just start referring to this team as ‘The Niggles.’ Luckily, noted fight enthusiast, Micheal Vick broke it up instead laying points with the black guy. Though he did lament the fact that “some of these young [sic] cats” don’t really respect his authori-tah. (Pssst Cartman, you still mah niggle, but you had a rape-stand at one of your mansions back in the day. Maybe take it down a notch on the respect front, huh bruh?) And this all went down before Monday night’s Hyper-Loop first half of pedal to the metal offense which lead Chip Kelly to wonder if his team had played fast enough for his liking?! When your F-U gets everybody to say “Mother eff me & John Wayne,” you’ve really done something. Fight the power Chip.
#3 Roger Goodell: As friend of the middle finger Eric_ pointed out last week, “Everything he does is an F-U to somebody.” So very true. Especially if you are what he deems a repeated offender. 100 grand fine for a Suh low block and Smokey Miller may be looking at even more than six games for speeding because eff those guys. Staying in his sarcophagus during all the week 1 festivities instead playing a prominent role in some national broadcast could also be taken a little middle fingery. Sort of like when someone uses said finger to subtly rub the corner of their eye in a group photo.
#4 Roller Coasters: Specifically, the Romo and Eli ones. The odds of that Cowboy vs. Giants game being ultimately decided by a 4th quarter pick-6 was taken off the boards in the desert BECAUSE THE GAME WAS ULTIMATELY DECIDED BY AN EFFING PICK-6 IN THE FOURTH EFFING QUARTER! Ho. Lee. Shiiiiiiiii... The prophecies are true people. (See #1)
Also receiving non-NFL related F-U votes this week: Pat Riley, SEC football and your mother.
Remember kids, there is no “I” in F-U, but there is an EFF and a YOU.
Until that day.