"Turn that goddamn racket off!" Jim Leyland hollered at his son from the kitchen, while Sportscenter, playing on loop as usual, entered its fourth go-round in the Leyland household this morning. "That stuff is garbage, it'll turn your brain into mush," he muttered, lighting his eleventh breakfast cigarette.
Both the Tigers and the Orioles suffered heartbreaking losses last night. The Tigers, up by 2 runs in the 9th inning, surrendered 3 runs and the game, forcing themselves into a game 5 tonight in Oakland. The Orioles, led by Buck Showalter, a man who claims to "never have even liked Sportscenter in the first place," went from being 2 outs away from a victory to a 2-1 series deficit in the blink of an eye.
"The thing about Sportscenter," began O's supposed closer Josh Johnson, "is that they tend to get caught up in the sports of it all, and in doing so ignore a lot more important things, such as the nuclear standoff in the Middle East, the fact that it's unmistakably Autumn out right now, and the feelings of the players involved in these games."
"Now please, turn that sh*t off," he added.
Contrastly, Raul Ibanez feels that a steady diet of Sportscenter is good for everybody, particularly for their hearts and for their souls. "Oh I try to watch atleast 6 Sportscenters a day," commented Ibanez. I've got a TV on my bedroom ceilings, in my shower, iPads duct-taped to the foreheads of all my grandchildren, and, on special occasions I like to take little day-trips to Bristol to watch them film live. It's a wonderful program!"
In addition, Joe Girardi described Sportscenter as "inspirational," Coco Crisp as "must-see-TV," and Alex Rodriguez as "emotionally confusing."
With everybody thoroughly convinced as to whether or not they like Sportscenter, and Justin Verlander's bold claim that he "is" Sportscenter, all that's left for these baseball players to do is play out the games on the schedule, and know that, deep down, at least this isn't nearly as important as football.