AL EAST

When Roy Halladay gets injured, the next Toronto-Baltimore game will make the playing field explode due to the presence of two teams with a combined winning probability of 0%. ... Cliff Floyd will hit .300-30-100 and the Devil Rays will go 80-82, thereby technically vindicating my prediction. ... The Yankees and Red Sox will decide to take their rivalry to the next level of Awesome and instead of baseball, they will face each other in steel cage death matches wearing giant Japanese robo-mecha suits.

AL CENTRAL

Spurred on by the Ozz-Man, the White Sox will lead the division until a late collapse brought on by heartburn from fire in the belly. ... Dontrelle Willis will go the Babe Ruth route and lead the Tigers in home runs. Miguel Cabrera will lead them in all other categories including Most Food Consumed. ... The Royals and Twins will engage in a high-pitched battle for last place. Both teams will lose. ... The Indians will adopt the Lake Erie Midges as their mascot. Seriously. They will swarm the field during the seventh inning stretch, and any time the visiting team pitches.

AL WEST

A boy, upset that his beloved Angels are doing so poorly, will ask God for divine intervention to help them win the pennant. God does not reply, and the season continues unabated. ... One of the Athletics will steal a base. An enraged Billy Beane will make him give it back. ... The Rangers will sign Roger Clemens, reasoning that it can't make their pitching any worse than it already is. ... Ichiro will use his secret ninja skills to lead the Mariners to victory until he is stopped by Kurt Suzuki, his arch-nemesis evil half-clone, who, in their last battle, took his last name.

NL EAST

Brett Myers, constantly being bounced by the Phillies between the bullpen and the rotation, will develop schizophrenia and attack the Phanatic before being quietly taken away. ... The fate of the Mets' Home Run Apple revealed: Mo Vaughn, on a visit to Shea Stadium, will eat it. ... Mike Hampton will stub his toe and miss the season, thus cementing his status as the best con man on the planet by being paid millions of dollars to do nothing for the third straight year. ... The Marlins' owners will sell off the teams uniforms, forcing the players to play in their underwear. ... Lastings Milledge will become the first MLB player to become a homicide victim and make a gambler in Tulsa, Oklahoma very happy.

NL CENTRAL

Ken Griffey, Jr. will reach 499 homers right before all his hamstrings snap at once. ... During a night with a full moon, the clouds will part during a power outage at PNC Park and reveal the home team to be actually ghost skeletons. ... The Brewers will inspire their players to greatness by playing The Beer Song between innings. Okay, maybe not, but it would be certifiably FTW. ... Former closers Adam Wainright and Braden Looper will account for all the Cardinals' wins during May and August. ... The Cubs will win the World Series with an improbable come-from-behind victory--when Ryan Dempster suddenly awakes with a start. ... The Astros will play competently until July, when they all get depressed by the realization that they play in a park with the wimpiest name and worst center field in baseball history.

NL WEST

The Giants will replace all their players with really tall grade schoolers as a publicity stunt. No-one will notice. ... Desperate for a championship, the Dodgers decide to do what the Red Sox did to win the World Series in 2004: trade Nomar Garciaparra in mid-season. ... The inevitable will finally occur as the Rockies' hitting and the Padres' pitching lock both teams in an eternal game, allowing the Diamondbacks to scoop the division title while Randy Johnson becomes the oldest pitcher not to win 300 games.