The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
We are all familiar with the Curse of the Bambino-- brought upon themselves with the trade of Babe Ruth, the curse followed the Red Sox for 86 years in fun-loving fashion, seeing the ground ball through the legs of Bill Buckner, lifting Bucky Dent's pop fly over the Green Monster, introducing PEDs to Roger Clemens after he left Boston. Following a 9-6 loss to the Blue Jays on Monday night, Sox players are already filing a series of unfortunate events under the "Curse of the Youkilis," a balder, more irritating version of the beloved Bambino.
"We understand that it's been just one game," said Sox skipper Bobby Valentine, "that one game does not constitute a curse or a pattern of any sort," he continued, "but seriously, how irritating was that game?"
The game in question, the first the Sox would play without Kevin Youkilis, kicked off with a 4-run inning for the visiting Blue Jays, the flood gates opening when a bouncer to third was misplayed by who other but Will Middlebrooks, Kevin Youkilis' replacement. After that, it was apparent that the Curse of the Youkilis was in full effect.
The game lasted 5 hours, 3 for playing baseball and 2 for sitting out a rain delay. Boston's pitchers struck out as many hitters as they allowed home runs. Jose Bautista's 2-run shot was hit so hard it scared an entire section away from rooting for the Sox ever again. By game's end it was clear that the only two explanations for Boston's poor play was either of a logical or a paranormal nature.
"The only other explanation," admitted Dustin Pedroia from a step ladder, "is that we're just not very good, and considering how good we think we are, that just doesn't make sense."
"I am not haunting the Boston Red Sox," asserted a visibly annoyed Kevin Youkilis as he cut holes in a sheet, claiming to be getting a head start on his Halloween costume. "Maybe they're just not very good."
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