The following article, despite being based loosely on non-fiction and bearing a polar resemblance to fact, is truer than you will ever know. Quotes made in this article are conjured out of pure inspiration, while the opinions expressed here are derived from what is both authentic and just.
It's all beginning to make sense. The reports that Greg McElroy, after being sacked just 11 times against the Chargers, has been experiencing concussion-like symptoms emerged yesterday, followed by a similar story regarding Muhammed Wilkerson, and topped off by the Daily News' centerpiece on a slew of Jets players admitting that they too would consider hiding a concussion, seem to merely be scratching the surface.
It appears that the entire Jets organization, from Owner Woody Johnson and head coach Rex Ryan to the mad linebacker Bart Scott and former strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi, sustained a concussion somewhere back in the 2010 season.
"We're not exactly sure when it occured," admitted team doctors, who are also coming to terms with their own concussions, "but as is the case with many head injuries, people can often play through it, unaware of their condition, past Peyton Manning, past the Patriots, and into the AFC Championship game. At some point, however, it's all going to fall apart."
And fall apart it did. The Jets have made some very questionable decisions while concussed. In 2011 they went an entire season yelling "ground and pound!" at the top of their lungs while dropping Mark Sanchez back to throw 50 times a game. In 2012 they pursued Peyton Manning, extended Sanchez with a lucrative contract, then signed Tim Tebow. Rex Ryan often displays wild swings of emotion in the span of 5-minute press conferences. Santonio Holmes hands the ball to the opposing team when he goes down with an injury. Shonn Greene shows a total disregard for positive yardage, seeking instead to run directly into tacklers. Mark Sanchez buttfumbled.
Said a defiant, sad, startled and mirthful Rex Ryan, whose alarming weight loss now makes total sense, "we, the New York Jets, are going to take all the necessary precautions, and stop running this team entirely for the next few months as our symptoms subside."
"When the draft comes around, can somebody please make sure we get some offensive linemen and probably a few new quarterbacks," he requested earnestly before retiring to bed for an indefinite amount of time."
This is a huge setback for the NFL, which, beyond pouring money into the proper detection and treatment of concussions, is also hoping to prevent head injuries in the first place.
"Again, we don't know when the organization-wide concussion was sustained," commented Roger Goodell, "it could have been during the team outing to Six Flags, that day everybody forgot to bring their helmets to practice, or one of those times they played the Ravens. Either way, we at the NFL know that we must do a better job of protecting our franchises, especially those that clearly require our special attention."